What About This Holy Discontent?

In reading Bill Hybel's book, "Holy Discontent", I find I am trying to narrow down that change place where I want to make a difference. I thought it could be through the church I attend; I am not sure though. I do know that my personal mission statement "includes inspiring, nurturing and releasing creative purpose in myself and others" - the purpose being so we may live to the full measure of our creation.

After reading REVEAL, a monograph by some Willow Creek people, it seems there is a need to coach/mentor people who have followed Christ for awhile but seemed stalled. That's one of those situations in life where I absolutely do NOT believe we have to "just live with it". Yikes!

Two years ago, I chose a completely different way to think. I was told I was wrong, not going to be a "fit" and leaving my entire ministry behind. Any of those could be correct, but at that point, I could not continue where I was going. I knew I would die inside. Now, two years later, I'm about to graduate from university, have finished my coaching certification and still believe that God has ministry for me. I think I just trying to figure out how to live my passion daily. I might be making it harder than it needs to be. It could be I want it to look differently than it is at this moment.

What I Would DO for Enstrom's Candy . . .

Ok . . . I 'm pathetic, I know . .BUT . . . one of the blogs in our local online newpaper is written in tandom by three women who work at the newspaper. Their stories are great; something I check while supper is cooking each evening. At this point, I'm thinking I won't qualify for a "vote" in the contest for some Enstrom's Candy (oh man . .like nothing you've ever had before!).

This is my "tip" for keeping milk from flying all over the car on the way home from the grocery store. You like?

(If you're one of the Haute Mamas, seeeee?? I linked you!)

Thanks on this Day

I'm sipping Raspberry Cocoa by my woodstove as the flames lick the wood releasing warmth to our chilly house. Being the first cold morning (19F) of the season, I awoke at 5:30am to get the fire going. I'm by myself with my thoughts.

Having not blogged for over eight months, the time has come to get back to it. I'm inspired by my pastor as he began a blog several weeks ago. Another woman I just met last night also had a blog. As she and I chatted, I realized I now have time (and a bit of desire) to step back into blogging again. For a couple of years now my daily reading has included touching base with about 30 different blogs. Some of those bloggers post every day; some only once a week or so. A good blog feeder and coffee make good reading.

Why get back to it now? For the last year and a half my evenings have been full of college work. Writing three to five papers a week throughout my various courses seemed to dull my desire to write - not to mention the time factor. Two classes away from my May 10th graduation date, it seems now there is more time for writing in my life. So much really has happened in these last months. Those details might be for other blogs - or not.

Today though, enjoying the last of my cocoa with the crackling fire behind me, I am thankful for my Father's love for me. In these quite moments before the rest of the family awakens and we start cooking for our family Thanksgiving Dinner together, it is an awareness of the peace in my heart that seems to loom large in my thinking.

Thank You Father for this peace . . .

A Year Later . . .A Little Clearer

A year ago, March 28, 2006 I started back to school. I wrote about my thoughts that day. I'm humbled by the events of this year. 2006 was really eventful for us. Upon this writing, it does feel like my passions and my future might be lining up a bit more. Maybe by the end of this year, much like this window will become unobstructed when squeeged, my vision will also become more clear.

It looks like it could be Spring of 2008 before I gradutate. It seems that grants and scholarships are not awarded for summer schooling. The classes cost the same and the work load is ever as challenging, but I can only seem to get grants and scholarships for Fall and Spring semesters. The Summer semester class schedule isn't out yet, so I am not sure what I will be taking. There is some loan money for the Summer semester.

One of the most special parts of this year has been the chance to meet so many people I previously did not know. There are so many unique people around me. Whether it's church or work or school, the vast plethora of people have such a desire to live their lives. There are some really neat people surrounding me these days. For having lived in this city for over twenty five years, my sphere of influence was very very small. I knew I needed to broaded my horizons; I just didn't realize how much!

So, I just keep asking the Lord to help me be focused on the days ahead. I need His clear direction for balance, productivity and fulfilment in my life. I want my latter years to be greater than my former. (That has been spoken to me prophetically as well.) If the past year is any indication, this year will continue to make defining marks on me.

Deleting is a Mouseclick Away

After a year of no posts on one of my blogs, it was time to delete it from my blog list. The only challenge was that it was a record of the two previous years. Probably very few people ever saw it, but it recorded the happenings of some significant changes in a church. Gone . . . with a click of the mouse.

"Nope, we don't want it, " was the leader's reply. Didn't have a clue of what was on it, but sometimes that's what happens with changes. The past is forgotten; the hidden things remain hidden. My heart smiles though, because I know God has not forgotten.

He remembers the hours of labor and sweat. He remembers the tedious way decisionmakers toiled to make the best selections. He smiles recalling members of the greater Body of Christ came to invest their time and talents into various projects. The work would have never been completed without those precious laborers; intergenerational workers came to bless. He continues to grow them and encourage them.

Thank you, Father, for all who touched those several years. May we always remember what teamwork looked like and how a job well done felt.

If I Just Had Time

In reading the chapter about procrastination, I found myself getting just a little tense. Thoughts ran through my brain like "whoever wrote this must not have family, friends, church, dirty dishes, pets, a house and yard, a car to keep up, school, assignments, kids who need rides, etc, etc." Well? Am I too whiny?

I once heard someone say I would have enough time in each day to do what God was directing me to do. What do you think about that statement? If I don't get things done, am I over committed? Or just procrastinating?

Among our group, there are those of you who really aren't pressed for time and can have a sense of only doing what you want to do. You're probably retired and have earned that position! Now, for the rest of us . . . I've often said I feel like the guy who has to keep 12 plates spinning all at one time. You ever felt that way?

It's likely I'm "avoiding" because it doesn't feel like I can complete all I need to do. Ever heard of the Tyranny of the Urgent? Sometimes the peace of God that passes all understanding gets squeezed out by "emergencies". What is your experience and how are you living in peace without procrastination?

Catching Up

The New Year slipped in and lost a month before I turned around!

After enjoying about five weeks of holiday break, I got back to college classes. Human Resource Management I wasn't all that hard. Our professor works locally as an IT manager for our county. His real life stories have been helpful for me to connect with the whole idea of human resources. I appreciate his down-to-earth thinking in daily work. I can see he has a very real faith in God that filters through his life. Tomorrow night will begin a second class with him. From the reading I've gleaned so far, I can see that I will really enjoy this second part of Human Resource Management.

The other course I am will finish after this week is Life Span and Development. Looking at every age group through the lenses of 1) biosocial, 2) cognitive and 3) psychosocial development has been interesting. I have a four hour exam to take on Friday to see just how much of all of this I have learned. Have to let you know on that one . . .

My husband will go for another bone scan on Tuesday. The oncologists are looking for anything that might be showing up different than the May '06 and Nov '06 scans previously done. He is taking good care of himself and working every day. That's a good thing, I think.

Still feeling this urgency to keep on this time line, my graduation hopefully will happen at the end of '07. There is so much to learn. After 25 years in one area of work, I wonder what I'm going to read this year or who I will meet that will nudge me toward my next area of work. Mysteries are not all that fun for me - particularly if I am in the middle of it!

My small group is my connection for discussion these days. Laurie Beth Jones wrote Jesus Life Coach. Killing some time at Barnes and Noble one night, this book jumped right off the shelf at me. You've had that happen, right? I bought it and started to read it. Then I realized I needed someone to walk with me through this book. About that time, the Small Groups people at my church were encouraging me to start a small group. I mentioned this book. They said, "Put a table up at the Small Groups Rally and see who is interested." I did; thirty women signed up to connect in one way or another. About a dozen find their way to our weekly gathering at a local Christian bookstore. Watching the hits on the site tells me there are more of the group who connect via the blog. There are teachers and other professional women who can't get away during the day, but they are following along with the book and the blog. It's interesting; God knows who He is touching through this endeavor!

Taking A Look - Back and Forward

2006

Never would I have imagined

that so much would change

during this past year

in so many ways.

So many words to describe the year:

frustration

impatience

weariness

anticipation

failure

not a fit

framer

oldest son leaving home

middle son starting to work

husband's cancer

major operation

recovery . . . still

seismic shift

lonely

worship

fellowship of His suffering

loss of friends

stretching

weekly writing assignments

mental challenges

B in Math

Pell Grant

Saccammano Scholarship

longing for significance

learning to rest

waiting

not in control

new job

steep learning curve

new world of acquaintances

3.912 GPA

Christmas traditions

family

great musical Christmas weekend

longing for better focus

praying for His will in 2007

Leading Up to Christmas

Those waiting in darkness

have seen a great light!

I am singing in a Christmas choir at a church that has previously never had a choir. Why in the world would I be doing this? Honestly, I'm not sure. There are about 80 other folks who are involved in the choir as well. It's a Celebration of Joy for Christmas weekend. We will sing for four services next weekend. I think we'll have it right by Sunday noon!

Our son is coming home for Christmas! How fun is that! (a LOT!) He is driving a rental car. We feel better knowing he will be doing that rather than try to drive his own vehicle. Never know if something might go wrong. The rental car people would take care of him if something does happen. It will be fun to have him around for a few days!

Over the weekend we attended the wedding of one of our young relatives. It was a beautiful event with all the fun and wonder of a wedding. It was a sweet sort of gathering in that we saw many people we haven't been in contact with for awhile. Sometimes I just don't know how to "be" around all the variety of people I know. Of course, I know I'm just supposed to be "ME", but I've worn so many "hats" over the years that I'm not sure which one I'm wearing at this moment. Hmmm . . . it could be that I am wearing a hat that the older acquaintances haven't seen and the newer ones only know me in. (If that makes an ounce of sense . . .)

Last night was the first office Christmas party I've attended in a long time. Actually, I can't remember the last party like that. It was good for us to go though, because we met spouses/significant others of co-workers. We laughed and enjoy great food.

We had just come from our usual Saturday night church event where we met an old friend. She is trying to find a place to worship. I'm not sure this is where she will want to be, but she will sort that out.

I completed my Business Law class. I was pretty worried about a 200 point (out of the total 575 points for the course) final exam. Turns out that I earned 192 out of 200 points. That's pretty ok I guess. My prof emailed me saying I had a 98% in the class. Hopefully I will come out of this Fall semester with near a 3.9 GPA. We'll see.

This next week before Christmas has me out of the house 4 of 5 nights. Three of those are rehearsals. I chuckled at the last minute blaze of rehearsals. We're doing something very new for this church, so it will be fun to be part of these "firsts".

Not Sure How to Do this Holiday Season

This Christmas will be unlike those we've experienced in about 20 years. Typically, we were involved in church things up until the moment we put away the musical instruments on Christmas Eve. Of course, in between Christmas and New Year's Eve, we took down the Christmas decorations at church. Working at a retail store for the last four Christmases basically burned me out. I saw enough Christmas stuff to do me for years - starting each August.

This year is different. I am not working in retail anymore (YAY!). The church I attend has people who do all the decorating. Between Thanksgiving and the first Sunday of Advent, the whole place transforms. It's beautiful. The trees lining the street to the church are all lite. The lobby has great decorations. The lighting in the sanctuary is seasonal. There is a Memorial Service for folks who have lost loved ones in the past year. All of this is great; I'm just not in the middle of any of the planning or doing of it.

So . . . how shall we do this holiday season? I'd like to make it really meaningful. I'm just not sure what that looks like. I'm beginning to think I really have to rethink this whole season. I don't know that we've been over commercial in the past; we just didn't have the money for that. I'm just in the thinking process. More to come . . .

The Leaves are Gone

The last month I would have liked to have been in this little cabin watching the snow come and melt again. Alas though, I was in PA for a week, then home for work, school and company. I have missed the Fall colors, but they were lovely in PA. There are very lovely in Colorado as well.

Just a week ago, I was in Colorado Springs at New Life Church. It was a great service of worship and Pastor Ted Haggard teaching. There was some political discussion which seems to have stirred up a mess. That next week, the story was broken by a Denver TV station of a gay male escort who said Pastor Ted often used his services. The man accused Pastor Ted of buying methanphetamines as well. The shock of this news rippled throughout evangelicalism. I was pretty sad about the whole situation. Pastor Ted confessed and was was removed. He is now going through a long term kind of repentance and restoration time. I don't know what his future holds, but I am praying for both Ted, his wife, Gayle, and their children.

So, while I would really like to be holed up in this nice little cabin, I understand that I need to be active in my world. Being very aware that right at this moment I don't have any real accountability, I am challenged by what is now wafting through the evangelical waves of thought. I have written a couple of the pastors on staff at my church. I encouraged them to be sure to be accountable. I don't know that my thinking matters much, but I really do love them and want them to be in accountability to someone who can speak very truthfully to them. They are so vulnerable to attack. I'm continuing to pray for them.

So . . . I will try to get back to writing. This Christmas season is going to be so very different for me. I'm looking forward to this year. More to come . . .

The First Day of Fall?

Believe it or not, this is what it looks like in the Colorado Rockies today!

It's official - today's the first day of Fall. Tomorrow is Color Sunday. Many people pile in vehicles to travel through the Colorado Rocky Mountains to view the beautiful colors turning from the green of Summer to the varied offerings of Fall.

At the moment, there is no sun shining. Ominous clouds have settled in for several days. Rain pours from the clouds reminding me of my plans to clear the weeds out of the backyard. Oh shucks! Won't being doing that job today!

My most likely house job today will be clearing off the woodstove. Because it sits in the center of our living room, the woodstove becomes a place for vases and candle decorations throughout the summer. Can't have those on the surface of a hot stove, so I need to get them moved elsewhere. At least the wood pile in the house is dry. I'm quietly thanking my son for filling the wood holder last Spring.

Several of my friends are at retreats this weekend. They will be traveling Interstate 70 through the mountains. Later this evening, I'll be checking with them to see if they are home safely yet. Others will be coming home midday Sunday. That just seems like a safer time to travel.

Hmmm . . . my Cowboy Coffee Cake is hot out of the oven. The butter is waiting to melt on the hot coffee cake. Yum . . . it's going to be a good day!

Thoughts From a Brisk Sunday Morning

We snuggled a little deeper into the down comforter this morning as the temperature dipped to 31 degrees. Brrr! Oh how I love this time of the year! (No, really, I do!)

During these weeks between posts, I've been feverishly trying to learn a job position for which I had no previous experience. Oh, yeah, I can talk to customers on the phone and diffuse a bit of their frustration. Also, I'm not afraid to squirrel around the business computer system; I've been told there is nothing I can do to hurt it. We'll see . . .

Some might call me morbid, but we sat in front of CNN's free Pipeline e-cast of the real time morning newscast of 9/11 this past week. My kids are older teens now. I want them to have those pictures clearly in their heads. They remembered some of it from five years ago, but they have a much better perspective today. Having been grade school aged when John Kennedy was shot, see some of those old black and white films of that time reminds me what an impact it had on my life. Important things should not be forgotten.

Back to the brisk Sunday morning . . . Because I go to church on Saturday night, my family has the opportunity to enjoy a leisurely Sunday. Since studying the idea of "sabbath" for awhile, some of my preconceived ideas are being challenged - within myself mostly. There is a refilling of sorts that occurs when I set aside a day to 1) remember the works of God in my life during the past week, 2) be with family and 3) do refreshing things that aren't done during the rest of the week. (The key here is refreshing, not the backlog of pressing stuff that nags at me.) This all starts in motion each week for me begins as we go to church on Saturday night. It's almost like starting the sabbath on Saturday night and concluding it Sunday night. I might have to write more about that sometime.

Coffee is especially yummy this brisk Sunday morning. Not having to be any place at any specific time makes sipping my coffee especially nice. Tomorrow will be faster paced as work schedules demand leaving the house at 6:30 am. But, today, reflection and renewing is the course of action.

New Job Adventures

This past week was the beginning of a new job for me. While at the beginning I knew nothing about the product or company, it seems I am learning more moment by moment. The people at the office are kind and encouraging.

I work with a lady who puts in long hours and works very hard. She is a good teacher but had little time to train this week because of month end bookwork. Toward the end of the week, we had more time to look at paperwork. She has been very helpful.

This coming week, a trainer will come to our office to give me more training. My desk will have been moved into a different space and I will be working to organize my desk before she comes. I imagine that I already know some about the daily operations of the office, but I'm sure she will "connect the dots" better for me.

To my utter surprise, the other lady in my office informed me that I would be paid for Monday, Labor Day. I reminded her that I am only part time. She assured me that she had been paid as a part time person so she couldn't imagine why I wouldn't as well.

On this Saturday of Labor Day weekend, I will have to work nine hours today at my old place of employment. I offered to do that because some time ago I traded a Saturday with another lady. The employer wanted me to work today. I think I will be really glad when this day is over!

On Monday, I will take my husband to work; he usually works these holidays for the great extra pay. My daughter and I will find something fun to do, I'm sure. I think I could get used to this in no time at all!

A Few Weeks Later

Wow! Times flies around here. Between school assignments, long work hours and family adventures, this blog has suffered from lack of attention.

Here are a few excerpts from the month of August:

• My husband had a second bone scan; there's not been any growth of the cancer since the last scan in May of this year.
• I have completed 19 credits of college since May of this year.
• Our family enjoyed serving pastors and church leaders during The Leadership Summit sponsored by Canyonview Vineyard Church.
• I worked more hours per week at my job than I have any other weeks during my four years of employment there.
• During the Summit, I interviewed for another job which pays 1/2 again as much as the place of my current employment.
• Starting the last week of August, I will be changing employment to go to the place at which I interviewed. = ) (Interesting fact: 25 hrs at the new job = 39 hrs at the old job.)
• My daughter is ready to start schooling the last week of August.
• My husband has met and will continue to meet with oncology docs in our town. It is possible that he will qualify for some trials re: the kind of cancer he has.
• My middle son is working at a regular schedule and seems to be thriving.
• I am sensing the Presence of God in all of this and find that I have these little "moments" with Him throughout the day.

There are many "thank you God" things happening, wouldn't you say? My daughter and I are working out a schedule between her schooling and my work. We're expecting a great school and work year.

25 Years Ago Today

Our firstborn was born 25 years ago today. He is away from home now but hopefully serving God still. He is learning more about what he's made of and how he can do more than he ever thought he could do. I know he's not perfect, but I'm proud like crazy of him. Happy birthday, son!

If You Say Go

A song we sang in church this week end meant so much to me that I came home and found it on the web. It's a song written by Diane Thiel. It's called If You Say Go.

If you say go we will go

If you say wait, we will wait

If you say step out on the water

And they say it can’t be done

We’ll fix our eyes on you and we will come

Chorus:

Your ways are higher than our ways

And the plans that You have laid

Are good and true

If You called us to the fire

You will not withdraw Your hand

We’ll gaze into the flames and look for You

©2002 Mercy / Vineyard Publishing (Admin. by Music Services)All rights reserved. International copyright secured.CCLI song #3548640

Spending or Being Spent?

Sunday in church, I was reminded again of a phrase that I heard a long time ago in youth ministry. I remember challenging my students with the idea of "being spent" rather than "spending" so much. They would be looking at cars, movies, concerts, etc. trying to decide how the little bit of money they had could be "spent". It was an interesting time trying to retrain thinking that was solidly reinforced by television, radio and peers. Way back then, there wasn't instant messaging or even text messaging to consider either.

Pastor Dan reminded us again that our lives are not our own if we truly want to be a follower of Christ. We've been in a series entitled "Can We TALK?" A delimma happens in the heart of the believer in Christ. We want to become more holy - separated from sin in our world- yet we want to invite the world to join us in the journey with Christ. How do you do both?

Oh, I know there are lots of models out there for how it's being done. The God directed ones are very fruitful. I am reminded that "by their fruit you will know them". I have made all kinds of excuses in my past when there is no "fruit" in what I have been doing. When all the rhetoric is sliced away, it's still about the "fruit". I think that's why churches in general struggle with goals and accountability. God might honestly be directing, but to find the right model to implement that direction might take more than one shot. Somehow, it seems like admiting one model is not bearing fruit and considering another model to see if it might bear fruit is not "spiritual". Bleah! What is that all about?

Back to Sunday's sermon . . . Pastor Dan confessed that he is trying to find that place where the church is serious about being a "church to the unchurched" yet finds the clarity to disciple in deeper ways those that are following Christ. It's certainly not that we don't have a bunch of serving opportunites through the evangelism arm of the church. Recently our church helped do a Home Makeover for a gramma who was taking in grandkids whose parents were drug users. That was a huge task, but over 160 volunteers found themselves entrenched in something meaningful and rewarding. They were being spent. In addition to small groups galore, there are a variety of training classes on Wednesday nights. Seasonally, there are training classes for teachers, counselors, etc. It's not like the church is sitting around being eye candy for the community.

So? Why is this series impacting me so much? It's making me ask, "What can I do?" I know that would encourage my pastor. He reminded me of something I read awhile back. The idea was about not just living for success but living for significance. I am learning that in the hiearchy of needs there is this place of "self actualization". Self-actualization is the instinctual need of humans to make the most of their unique abilities and to strive to be the best they can be.
For a follower of Christ, this is about discovering and understanding how God has created you; your giftings and passions are able to be lived out with abandon.

I made a decision one year ago to make a huge shift in my life. I believe it was a God directed move. It has not been easy nor has it gone the way that I thought it might. That's ok. Learning to wait has not been a forte of mine over the years. It seems that this is my time to learn to wait. I believe that I am to keep my eyes and ears open to what the Spirit of the Lord is saying to me. It's not that I am not doing something while I wait; I'm going to college, working, dealing with cancer in the family and homeschooling. I just know though, that there is that place of being spent that I have not found yet. I still think it will become my work and my college training will mesh with it as well. It feels like I have so much to give and I want to be spent meaningfully. I guess I will see in the days ahead how this will find real life application.

Certified Framer

My company trained me and certified me to be a picture framer. That should keep me out of trouble, eh?

This picture is a Google image, but sometimes I feel like I'm slaving over a picture about as hard. It's all about the details!

I'm excited to have my certification framed and on the wall with my co-workers. We're a team now!

Adventures in the Mountains

This cute little guy jumped right up in front of my daughter to pose. She almost dropped the camera in surprise, but had enough reflexes to snap the pic.













These fellas were on a ledge from which they could look down . . . about 10,000 feet!













This little guy was posing for more treats! He had some unusual coloring. He was very friendly though.