A Mixed Bag of Thoughts

It's been a week! Looks like another one's coming, too!

I have to wait another week to find out about a job that I applied for about a month ago. I'm working through how long it takes for employers to select someone to hire. I know that once you hire someone, getting rid of them is hard. There's probably a real push to make sure that who they pick is a great candidate. The challenge for me was the window of the application process was supposed to be closed two weeks ago. Right before that day, I was emailed and informed that the process would be open two weeks more. I know there are reasons for that, but it messes with the pysche. If I wasn't completely sure that God is in control of my life, I'd be wondering what was going on. From the beginning of this job search, I've asked Him to open and close doors according to His will. I trust that He is doing that!

My husband will be having a biopsy this week. His blood levels weren't good when given the test for prostate cancer. So, he will undergo that process this week. Our challenge is that our insurance only covers one urologist in a 50 mile radius. Of course, he is about 40 miles from us! Now, my husband has to take off work to be able to get to the appointment. I've put prayer requests on a couple of prayer chains. God is our healer and we will walk close by Him throughout this process.

Because my job opportunity hasn't happened yet, I am still clinging to my old job. I have a great manager. She thought that I was going to work the job I am at PLUS picking up this new one. I am not so sure I could do that and do two college courses in the next 5 weeks. I am working about 12-20 hours a week (depending on the week) now. The new job would be about 24 hours a week and I'd choose my own hours (Mon - Fri). I'd like to take a second class this five weeks at college, but it is a Saturday morning class - 8am to noon. Normally, I have to work every other Saturday from 11am - 8:30pm. If I took this class, I'd need to come in to work about 1pm. Because of summer's low cash flow, I don't know if my manager will be able to work around me not being at work for those first 2 hours. She is thinking about it. I should know this week because my first class would be this coming Saturday.

We all have Spring Fever! That just means we all want to head for the mountains, breathe the fresh air and fish in the lakes and streams. People are working in their yards around here. I am doing as much as my body will allow me to do. I get really sore from shoveling. At least it doesn't effect my piano playing becuase I'm doing very little of that these days. Our house needs a coat of paint as well. I'm not sure I have the funds to cover the Spring Fever wishes!

Seven Credits Down

Here's what I'm looking at on my desktop.

This picture makes me want to go fishing! Today or Saturday would be about the only time I could because the Summer university schedule starts on Monday. No rest for the weary, they say!

It's been fun taking seven credits of college in five weeks. I think I did a pretty good job though. My profs were great and really helpful. This was my first trek back into the world of academia. It's been an adventure. I'll say that I've met some great people and had opportunity to share some good stories. In my Biology class, for instance, were people working toward their teaching certificates. They were trying to get the general education classes out of the way before they started on the degree specific courses. This Biology course was called Biological Diversity. We talked a lot about ethics in Biology. I came away from this class knowing that the rate of discovery is ahead of the rate of ethical clarity. Going back and revisiting previous discussions in the area of ethics is really important.

My other class was a Computer Information Systems class. It helped sharpen my skills as I use Microsoft Office 2003. Excel is something that has always felt a bit ominous. It's less frightful to me now. I had some fun with Power Point and Word. I am trying to decide if I want to consider a Project Management Certificate along with my degree. I hear this is a great tool to have in my management skill set. It means four more courses though, so I'm just trying to decide if I want to do that work. This certificate teaches the technical aspects of project planning. I'm not sure that I'd ever be planning a major project, but it's hard to say. My professor thinks it would add $20,000 to my yearly income. Goodness . . . I don't make THAT to start with!

Today I am waiting for a textbook to come. The course is American Literature II. Did I take American Lit I? Uhm . .nope . .but . .I'm told both classes are stand alones. I checked the online syllabus for the class and discovered that the book mentioned in the syllabus is not the same one that the bookstore said was for this class. Yikes! So, now I have to wait until I get the book, check it out with the assignments online and THEN determine if I have the correct book. In the meantime, I'm looking at my desktop picture and thinking that I might enjoy hanging out at that lake this weekend. Ohhhhhh . . . it might not even be open yet. There's probably still snow. That lake is about 10,000 feet above sea level. Hmmm . . . I might have to call the lodge up there and ask!

Enjoy the picture while you listen!

The Determination of the Lord

I appreciate determination! I appreciate setting your mind to something and, like Captain Picard says, "Make it so!"

I know there are plenty of scriptures that will help a person know how to follow Christ. I was thinking of all of the "put on" or "one another" verses and then the "put off" or "lay aside" or "turn away" verses too.

Yeah . . . I do let my heart start making plans when I think something is coming. A friend wrote me today to encourage me and remind me that IF I really am asking God to lead me, then I'd better figure that He is working to do that. Seems very simple, but when the plans I was running through in my heart didn't seem to work out, I was wondering what was going on. I don't think I'm doubting God - or it doesn't feel like that. I usually wonder what other people are up to. After that, I wonder if I am really just kidding myself about what I think. I can't remember the last time I doubted God. I think if I ever started to doubt God, I'd probably be pretty unstable. He has been my rock for so long, it just seems impossible that He'd mess with my head or purposefully pull the rug out from under me. Nope . . . that's not God!

My daughter wrote this verse last year. It's a good reminder for me!

Where Does a "Good Fit" Look Like?

I created this logo (with some help from Microsoft) for an assignment I have in a university class. It expresses my idea of how I would help people put together the various ways they are gifted and empassioned. It just seems like a person with these qualities might find that no matter the situation, they could get a grip on their surroundings and help where there is a need. This person would be more directed and clear in their own personal mission. I thought that sounded like a good thing.

Can a person who has clarity of focus in these four areas really "fit" with others who don't have the same focus in each of these areas? Some might say "yes!" . . some might say "not a chance!" The jury's still out for me on this.

My personal mission doesn't need to be the mission of my employer. I could actually embrace the vision of a company and still not lose my own personal vision. Do employers look for people who will lose themselves so much in the company that the employee actual has no personal vision of their own? I guess if you're on company time, you are the company's . . . period. I wonder though if employers really want mindless employees. Hmmm . . . I know they want cooperative ones. Employers probably would enjoy employees that have enough on the ball to see roadblocks coming and tactfully share them. Again, that would mean that employers would want to hear from employees and there was an open door policy for fresh thinking and ideas.

The fun thing about this logo is that the puzzle pieces come apart. No matter where those individual pieces travel, eventually they get back to "fit" together. Those four qualities are a good fit. Happy is the employer who finds someone whose qualities do fit!

Living Water Flow

This little trickle of water reminds me of the trickle of hope I have facing this new week. I have great confidence that God is working on my behalf. I know that the ecosystem in this picture is small in size, but very balanced in its own right. The water is flowing at just the right speed to quench the thirst of the plants around it. Yet, it's not too fast or large to physically tear the plants away from the earth where they are rooted. The moss attached to the front of a rock enjoys the moisture of the water without the erosion that would happen if the stream became larger. The ecosystem is just right!

I just came from church where we sang a song called "We Are Hungry". One line in the song says "living water flow down on me". Sometimes my vision of living water flowing down on me is this deluge sort of thing. As I was reminded of this picture and found it again, I remembered that, though the water was not a rushing deluge, it IS a huge part of the ecosystem of this small area of the forest. I am guessing that our Father God really understands the volume of the flow of the Living Water we need in our lives to keep the ecosytem of our hearts in a good place to grow. How I long for not just the occasional gush and rush of the Living Water. I long for that continual flow that keeps me alive and fresh.

The Power of A Tree

Some days the future looks like a tree buried in a rock. I was reminded again this week in Biology of the power of living things. They find a way to LIVE even in the most challenging places.

My life isn't nearly that complicated. We are looking at more changes and challenges though. My husband had to have extra bloodwork and is on his way to see a urologist because of our doctor's concern about his prostate. The good thing is that this stuff is detected early and our doctor is very quick to take strong action. So, I know that weighs on my husband's mind.

Our son's job in California looks like it really isn't going to materialize. That's disappointing to him because he had some big plans around that whole project. He already gave his notice at work, so I know he's wrestling with whether to go back into the office and see if he can take his resignation back. His girlfriend thinks he needs tons of money for the move to Missouri. He thinks he can make the move "on a shoestring". I'm betting there's a happy medium somewhere in all of this!

School is going well for me. Financial aid came through for both Spring and Summer. I've been applying for the 2006-2007 school year. I applied and interviewed for a job that pays almost double what I'm making at my current job. It is a few more hours than I work now and is a place where my passion for people and technical skills could be better used. The funny thing is that I also have another interview at a place I've been trying to get work since before Christmas. I will know if I am hired for the first job the day before my interview for the second job. The second job is way more hours which makes me wonder if I could do that because of homeschooling and college. Boy! Does this only prove that God knows our days and if we would just listen to Him, He'd keep us on the right path?!

Yep . . . I feel like I'm growing out of a rock sometimes. The wonder of the enzymes in living things that allow such power to be released is just amazing. The "chance" of a seed embedding in a hollowed out place in the side of a rock face, taking root and enduring to live in the middle of the weather elements is pretty fantastic.

Truly . . . how great is our God!

My First Day in College - Again!

I had my first class last night. While I wish I was sitting on the banks of this lake reading my books . . . wow . . . now there's an idea!

My first class was with the acting director of our local center. He has his Phd. and has credits a MILE long. I am humbled by this man. His wife had a surgery a few months ago that went wrong somehow. He is staying home much of the time helping her back to health. It's not known for sure if she will ever be all the way back. He is really interested in each of the students. It's not about what information he gets out. It's more about what the students find that they need with the information he gives out. He's teaching Computer Information Systems. While I knew most of what he was saying about the computer program he was working with, I learned something completely diffferent from him. He gave a much simplier format for learning to write mission, purpose and vision statements. I will still have to think about those, but honestly, he made it as clear as I've ever heard it!

Tonight is Biology. I think this will be a more complicated sort of class. I guess we'll just wait and see. I have heard nothing but great reviews about the professor. He's been teaching at the university for many years. What a neat blessing to get to have him too! I better go check my threaded discussions to see if anyone has commented on my odd view of stem cell research.

When A Kid Leaves Home

Ok . . . some of you have had kids who've left home. How'd you do with that? I found out that my 24 yr old son was leaving. He's not mad or going to jail or anything like that. He's just . . . leaving. For what it's worth, he's leaving home to go live on his own in a place that is many many states away! Why? Well . . . it's a girl, of course!

They have known each other for several years. She has come here . . . he has gone there. She's going to college. He just wants to move by her to be near her. Nothing wrong with that . . .I guess. Ok . .big pout happening here!

Honestly, at his age, he should move out! (I heard what you were thinking!) He needs to experience the fun of utility bills and rent, eh? He tells me there is a great church there that his girlfriend is attending. He says that there are people with rentals there too. I guess he will get to experience what that is all about as well.

He will pack the following in his car: (of course this is all subject to change) (small Honda)
TV
stereo
computer
100 CDs (my guess)
50 DVDs (my guess again)
2 guitars
clothes will be in there somewhere

Now . . . what's missing? Furniture! A desk . . . an entertainment center . . . chest of drawers. So? What do I do with those? Makes me wonder what my mother did with all the stuff I left? As I remember, she kept asking me, "what do you want me to do with this stuff?" NOW I understand her delimma! I guess we'll just have to see what we do. Hmmmm . . . I might use that room as my study room! Wow . .just thought of that!

I thought the past year was a huge change. Whew . . . just wait for the next few months. I wonder if this means that someone will come to help me deep clean that room? (probably not, eh?)

On the Way (I think)

Could I be college bound?

Tomorrow I find out if the financial aid I think I see is really what I get. It will be interesting to see how this whole college thing pans out. I do believe God is opening doors quickly. I hope to be able to keep up!

I wonder if I can really do TWO subjects in 5 weeks? I think I will have to do a quick study of remembering how to "quickly study". Yikes! God please help my head to take what I read and translate it to understanding of topics I barely know.

My First Audio Blog

test test test



whatcha think?

This Is Just the Beginning I Think!

Paperwork . . .yep . . . even in my paperless world, people still want paperwork!

Getting ready for college is an adventure. I forgot that I never had to hunt for financial aid or anything like that when I went to college. I just worked for peanuts and still paid most of what I earned to the college. Oh wait . . . I guess it was called "work study". I don't know that I'll be doing that this time. So, the alternative is finding out if there's any financial aid out there for a mom who has raised her kids (mostly) and wants to start another career.

I've heard this is a great thing to do - that is , go back to college. So, I'm testing the waters to see what that means. This thing called Adult Learning has become quite the fad. Actually, it's helping lots of people fit in continuing education with the work a day job that pays the mortgage and puts food on the table. Of course, it also pays for all the public school fees for art, physical education and extra curricular activities like sports, cheerleading or band. Actually, maybe this going back to college thing just takes the place of all those fees paid for the kids. The kids can work and pay their own! It's time for the parents to get back to college!

But . . . is there anyway around all the paperwork? Probably not . . . so become friends with the copy place and find the nearest fax machine and keep lots of in pocket change for incidentals.

Incidentally might become a well used word in the next few years!

Another Closed Door . . . But Still On the Road

Four months ago I applied for a job. It was a stretch for me, but I thought I could grow to fulfill it. It was one of those long shots that I thought I could attain with hard work. It wasn't to be. Today, I found out that I was not chosen. I trust that the employer worked through all the details to select someone that would be best for the job. Still, it's disappointing to me . . . but that's ok.

Disappointment can either push you away or toward something. It's pushing me toward God. I feel like I'm on the road in this picture. I took the picture. I know the road. I even know what's at the crest of the hill. I don't know what's at the crest of the "hill of my future" though. This was one of those situations that I really thought I could work into. Sometimes, when people don't know you, or want to risk what you may or may not be able to do, the chance to work into something just doesn't happen. Many of my friends were trying to ease me into the fact that I wouldn't be chosen. They are good friends to care for me so much.

I guess enough time has passed that I already have my sights set on other things. Thankfully this job wasn't the only thing my mind has been set on all this time. I do have other dreams. Someone actually pushed me to voice one of those dreams yesterday . . . that will be for another post someday.

Today, though, I look back on a closed door with sadness, but clearly understanding that my whole person was not resting on that one decision. My life and purpose can't be wrapped up in one person making a decision. I think I'm fairly healthy with that perspective. Today, I'm a bit teary, but I know that tomorrow I'll look again at the days ahead with anticipation. There are good things happening in my life. I'm thankful to my Father God for His watchful eye and leading hand on my behalf.

It is God who works in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure!

One Door Closed - Others to Open?

Yesterday was a huge day for me. It was the end of 25 years of being connected to a church and a family of believers. It was interesting because I knew that the timing was right. The pain I've felt for this past year had brought me to the ability to let go and know that God will still be with me and work through me. I feel like I do when I'm hunting for a new job. I keep thinking I need to have something to show for my day. It doesn't make sense, I know!

I AM job hunting. I lined up several jobs that I think I'd like to apply for. I have to decide, though, if I want to be gone 40 hours a week. I don't think I want to do that. My daughter's schooling is too important and she's getting Spring Fever. It's hard to keep her moving, but we're working on it. I'd like not to have to get a 40 hr per week job - maybe just at 20-25 hour one that pays about $10. Does that sound too hard? (I know . .not for God!)

I'm looking at financial aid this week as well. My goal at this time is to get a BA in Organizational Management for Christian Leaders with a minor in Psychology. I'd like to then go on to get a MA in Counseling. I should be able to do it at Colorado Christian University. This adult learning program allows me to take a course in a 5 week block - attending class one night a week as well as reading paper books, corresponding internet info and threaded discussions. There are just lots of details to iron out before I can jump full throttle into the coursework.

Now I need clarity to be able to write essays for scholarships. They don't have to be all that long - just clear and succinct. I pray for a free flowing sense of writing. I can get drowsy writing in the afternoon. I need to get it in gear though!

Someone just told me there are scholarships for left handed people? Gotta find those!

It Felt Good to Speak Again

Even though it's been awhile, I wasn't as nervous as I thought as I shared my testimony with the women's ministry group at Canyon View Vineyard Church last night. After one of my friends questioned what I was originally asked to do, I realized that I don't think my testimony is all that interesting or exciting. It was important though for me to do as I was instructed - not add to or assume. The leaders are incredibly gracious, so their promptings were received well.

As I put the testimony together, I found that I had a page of stuff that I have done for the last 30 some years. It's amazing to see how the Lord has been gracious in my life. Sometimes I think what I have done isn't all that interesting. I guess that remains to be seen.

Probably the most precious part for me was to share who I am. I made a list of some of the most difficult times in my life and some of the most meaningful times in my life. I realized as I recalled different events - difficult or meaningful - that these things have made me who I am. My thought processes and deep seated feelings flow out of these experiences. It makes me think of the Romans 5 passage that talks about "tribulation working patience, patience experience, and experience hope." The part of that passage that touches me is the fact that hope makes me not ashamed.

Just for the record, I thought I'd put those two lists here.

Some of the most difficult times in my life have included:

1. the suicide of a boyfriend
2. the leaving of my father and basic disinterest in me
3. trusting again that God would bring the love of my life back into my life
4. finding a friend who left without explanation
5. trusting that another friend would not do the same thing
6. realizing that some things have a season of time and are not forever
7. understanding that pouring my whole heart into something doesn't necessarily mean that it was wrong to do that - it's not always reciprocated or even appreciated
8. understanding that God loves me . . . period
9. making a choice to change my entire church family base and leave what was me for the last 25 years

Some of the most meaningful times of my life have included:

1. coming to know Jesus Christ as my personal Savior
2. experiencing the revelation of the Father heart of God
3. watching people grow in their giftings as they are mentored
4. slowly working myself out of a job as others have been mentored to do what I've done
5. talking about God with my children
6. seeing my kids learn from me and go on to do things better than what I do
7. realizing that God is not finished with me yet
8. living peacefully with myself when I am not sure what the future holds for me in career and ministry

I received an email this morning that encouraged my heart. It said, "I really enjoyed your story last night. The part about taking risks really spoke to me. I am definitely not a risk taker. In fact, my prayer request last night was for courage to be able to do so."

Thank You, Father for being there with us. You knew each heart and each need. I pray that You will continue to visit with those who opened their hearts to You. Whether it was about risks, or losses or new seasons, be ever so close as each one makes such important choices for their future. Faithful are You who calls us . . . who also will do it. Amen

Words Behind the Blog - Word Cloud

Found this on another blog and thought it was interesting to note. I'm not sure how far back the search goes for words, but still, it's interesting to see. Check out this spot to see what your blog is really saying!

Preparing to Speak

Looking back as well as forward!

This Wednesday I will be speaking at the Canyonview Vineyard Women's Ministry evening called "Celebration!". There's food and fellowship along with worship and someone speaking. I happen to be the one speaking this month.

I was telling a friend what I thought I'd say and she asked me if that's really what I was asked to do. Now, I stopped up short just to rethink . . ."What was I asked to do?" I recall being asked to share about myself. This was a sort of "get to know me" time. I was told I had about 30-40 minutes. Honestly, I can tell about me in 5 minutes, so what do I do with the rest of the time!?!

I had planned to create a video telling about my family and our desire to move with God at this new place in our lives. At this moment, I'm not sure the media equipment will be able to support my video. I should know by later today. I'm trying to decide if I want to put the time into the video until I know for sure that it can be played. I think I can rework parts of a video I already have, so it might not be such a lengthy process. Hmm . . . decisions, decisions!

After the video, I was going to share a short teaching around the significance of God's time. I guess my friend's question has caused me to ask if they don't really want to hear any more than just me telling about myself. Not much excitement in that!

Getting home, getting back on track . . . it feels a little unsettling at the moment. My body is still on Toronto time. I was sleepy at 9pm (11pm Toronto time) last night. Of course, I was awake at 5am (7am Toronto time). Yikes! I work tonight, so sheer exaustion should get me acclimated faster!

Lose to Gain

I did not renew my ministerial credentials today. It was hard and I am in a contemplative mood. It's just a sad day for me. Somehow, I want to encourage myself in the Lord like David did.

I remind myself again . . .

"Lord . . . may I keep in step with You. I want to be Your church moving into the future."

ED note: I edited out a link that didn't seem to be appropriate at this time. I still do want to be part of a forward thinking group though. I have found some people whose faith is ahead of me so I know I will have good models for my faith walk in the future. I'm seeing life with different eyes at this time. It will be good I know, even though at this time there is still a sense of loss. It's just a different season.

Seismic Shifts Create Waves

As I’m in Toronto for a few more days, I have been reading some great books. I went to a bookstore that had several bins of books on sale. Woohoo! Now that’s a treat for me! I picked up a couple of books to read. The friend at whose house I am staying loaned me a book as well. It’s been great to have the time to sit and read a whole book at one time. I confess that they were a pretty fast read and skimming at that!

This was the week that much culminated regarding decisions made in months past. It’s the sort of thing that you know is coming, but you can’t believe it’s here and basically done. Decisions are easier made in your living room than lived out among people you’ve loved for many years.

As I was searching the bins of sale books, I found one with a copyright of 2005. It’s not an old book! The back of the book said “It’s easy to talk about changing your life. Here’s how you actually do it.” I picked the book up, looked at the back cover and realized that Seismic Shifts was a book I would have to have.

Kevin Harney writes about these shifts that must happen to move into freshness in life. I might be writing on other things I’ve gleaned from this book, but at the moment the tidbit that is rumbling in me is the phrase “tunnel of chaos”. Harney says that Bill Hybels coined the phrase. That tunnel is the place you enter after you’ve come to the end of living in pseudocommunity – a false sense of peace based on avoiding honesty and constantly sidestepping confrontation. While confrontation is never fun, the deeper relationship to be enjoyed on the other side of the “tunnel of chaos” is worth every bit of the challenge encountered in the “tunnel”. This adventure is not a one time thing, but more of the treasure of authentic Christianity is in store at the other end of every step.

I am challenged to find those places of “pseudocommunity” in my life. I think this will be a huge trust thing between the Lord and I. I believe that He will walk with me through those chaos times. I believe that He has been walking with me for the last year. It feels like I’m about through the tunnel.

I am longing for more authenticity in my life. I know that I cannot expect something of others that I will not expect of myself. At least for now, I have some mental pictures to help me know where I’m going and who I’m impacting.

Arrival in Toronto

At the moment, I'm sitting Toronto, Canada. I'm at the home of a friend for some R & R as well as ministry time. I'm not all that sure what there will be the most of between those two, but I am looking forward to these two weeks.

I've just made a video that will announce me resigning from the Creative Arts ministry at church. I've been with these people for 25 years. (Some people have come and gone, but the ones who've stayed are probably the ones I've been around the longest.) It's not very easy to say good bye to folks. I don't like this sort of thing. Just fading into the "sunset" would be fine with me. I know the new pastor is trying to do things in an upright way so that if we meet at an event, we can look each other in the eye and know there's nothing bad between us. That's good I'm sure.

So that video will be played while I'm here in Toronto. I am concerned about my son though. He will be leading worship the Sunday that this video will be played. He seemed ok with it, so I hope that it works out ok for him. Guess we'll see . . .

I will go back and attend one more Sunday for them to "send" me. I'd appreciate prayer if anyone is reading this. I'm not all that sure I know the meaning behind the "sending", but I've seen it done several times. It's always left a bit of a question in my mind. Maybe that was because I was the one who was "sending" rather than "going". I imagine this is an attitude check of some sorts for me, so prayer would also be appreciated for that as well.

I may blog more of my adventures here in Toronto. I caught the plane in Salt Lake City at 6:15am, so I'm a bit bleary eyed. Salt Lake, Chicago and Toronto each had a good amount of snow. When I was in the air today, there was an interesting phenomenon I kept observing. We were above the clouds and the sun was bright. As I looked out my window, I could see the shadow of our plane on the clouds. I could see the whole plane. The unique thing about it was that there was a rainbow effect all around the plane shadow. It seemed brighter inside the rainbow circle. I saw it once and thought it was just a fluke. Then, I kept seeing it over and over. I'm wondering if God was trying to say something to me. (I understand the concept of water in the clouds and the idea of sun shining through those droplets.) I was just blessed to see that rainbow around my plane!

Opened Ended Sentences

It's an interesting move to leave what you know and step out where nothing is certain. It feels like an adventure - almost like an open-ended sentence just waiting to be told.

What is next? Don't know . . . Where are you going? Not clear yet . . .What will you do? The next month will tell that I think.

I do know that God is at work writing the story of my life. I'm trying really hard to hear Him right now. I know that He is near and is speaking ever so gently in His great way. How good it is to know that He is at work on my behalf!

The Change Is Happening

My good friend left this morning. She's on her way to care for her ailing mom and stepdad. As I talked with her last night, she was really wanting to be sure that I knew what I was going to do in these next days. I will miss her terribly, but, thankfully, she's become much more internet friendly. I know we will at least have a chance to connect. I'm also blessed by the wonder of cell phone plans that allow for free long distance calling after 7!

Never in my life have I done what I'm about to do this week. That's an amazing thing for someone of my age. I don't get into too many new adventures, but this one will be for sure. Another friend quizzed me this morning making sure that I have thought through the answers to questions that will arise from this decision to do what I've never done before. Pretty mysterious, isn't it?

I heard someone say the other day that to step into your new place you have to let go of the former place. I've heard that before, but it seems very, very real to me at this point. I'm so used to having things lined up that not knowing my next step is a challenge. Other people have my future in their hands. I suppose ultimately, that's not true. God surely knows who will make what decisions. I know that if I just keep my head on His chest, I will hear His heartbeat for my next steps. I will go from complete involvement to nothing. I will go from weekly preparation to nothing. Whew!

Somehow though, there is this internal excitement that just keeps welling up. I wonder what God has in store?

Seeds are Flying Away

Off to new destinations . . .

Changes will be happening soon with friends who are moving on to different ventures in their lives. It's a happy/sad sort of time for me. I know that changes are good. They make us have to reevaluate where we've been and look ahead for fresh and new things.

One dear friend is leaving to care for sick parents. That's a hard time of life for sure. This friend has a kiddo in school, so she's working on both sides of life issues. Her spouse is completely supportive and engaged in this whole process. One area of life in which I was able to contribute is computer technology. She will have all of her files on CDs to take with her. She will be on the hunt for a computer to be able to do her communication. She will be able to keep in contact with the places in the world that are important to her. She's become much more of a world traveler via the internet, so I know that she will still be able to do that when her in person world might start to close in on her.

As I look at that dandelion seed head, I realize that when the wind blows, people will be blown to different places. They will stick in other places. They will have influence in other situations. It will be interesting to see how these blown people will respond to the places they land. Will they nestle in and get connected? Will they barely hang on and, with the next wind, be blown out of connection? Each seed certainly has the potential of a whole new life. There are so many possibilities around the idea of the seed head of the dandelion. It leaves me thinking in a variety of directions.

Small Group Experience

I had the joy of being in a small group last night.

We worshipped and enjoyed being together. The topic was faith. Many of the women in the group (it was a women's group) had gone through some pretty traumatic events in their lives thus prompting them to tell of their different experiences of faith. I enjoyed hearing their stories of challenge yet seeming to come back to the foundation of knowing that God is their source of hope. Like Peter determined, they would settle to the fact that Jesus "alone has the words of life."

As a smaller group of four of us circled to share concerns, I was touched by the candor and transparency of each woman. They knew we didn't have time for a long long story, but they so wanted to share their hearts. My heart was touched and I want to pray for them all week. We didn't swap phone numbers or emails, so I really can't get in touch with them. I know God will bridge that gap.

The format is really very simple. It's interesting because there's really no fluff to this group. There is no coffee, no food - not even games for ice breakers. There just seems to be a heart to get together. I like it because I love to worship and I love to be in the Word. I am hoping that the teachings ahead will be as meaty as last night. I have the feeling they will be.

Lead Us Lord

This picture is taken en route to the summit of the highest flat topped mountain in North America - the Grand Mesa!

This week is one of those monumental weeks in a person's life. There are so many changes on the horizon that my head spins sometimes. As is typical with a big decision, so many people will be touched. Some will be mad, some will be sad and probably some will be glad. Some will say I'm just following a fad and will be glad to see me stop whining. Okey dokie . . . there ya go!

I, the other hand, understand that decisions made this week could change the lives of not only my family, but the lives of many others as well. There have been pivitol moments in my life where decisions changed my direction completely. Getting married was one of those choices. Moving to a new town was another. For some reason, this feels like that kind of impact will accompany decisions made this week.

I wait, not fearfully, but expectantly. I wait, knowing that things might stay the same, yet hoping for radical changes. Ultimately, though, I have to cling to the biblical mandate I read long ago, "Expect the Lord!"

Coworker Thorn

Ever met someone who delights in being a thorn in your life?

I was sure that I am such a likeable person that there'd never be anyone like this in my life. (Ok, stop rolling your eyes!) Well, sure enough, I have found someone. This coworker is a wonderful opportunity to get a little glimpse of what a "burr under the saddle" feels like - or the proverbial thorn. Being talked about within my earshot is something that my mother taught me shouldn't happen. If you're going to talk about someone, at least don't do it where they can hear you!

This coworker says she is completely oblivious to anything about me - doesn't want to hear and frankly, doesn't care either. It kills her when I build her up in front of customers. Somehow, I delight in finding ways to compliment her and make her have to recognize that I'm saying nice things to her. Who knows if anything I say will impact her for Christ. She is quick to say that "religious people" are just nutty. Could be the background of being raised in a tough Catholic school that has done that to her. Sometimes, all my compassion pours out and I just smile. Sometimes, all my grouchiness pours out and I want to pull her bottom lip up over her forehead. I guess the first choice is more godly, eh? (ok . . . maybe not as fun though . . .)

So, I'm off to another morning of working around this coworker. I just need to keep my head on straight and not let her get to me. I have this running conversation with the Holy Spirit.

"Please . . .can't I say something back that would put her in her place?"

"What would that do for your testimony of Christ?"

"I promise, I'll be very discreet. I'm very good at giving sugar coated digs."

"Digs are still digs . . . how about just keep pouring grace on her?"

"Well bleah . . . digs feel so much better!"

"People are watching you. Remember that you have lots of coworkers. There are people who see what you do and say."

"Ok . . . I'll trust You on that one . . ."

"Good thinking . . ."

Heads Up for Change

It feels like the time is drawing very close. I'm thinking in these next two weeks I will have a better clarity of God's direction for me in this New Year.

I should be finding out about the job I've been waiting for. I should find out the direction of the church I've been going to. I should see the unfolding of direction for the coming year. Now . . . I guess it's just time to wait and see how the "shoulds" work out.

I asked a friend last night if it was good to be thinking about "Plan B". We laughed because she said that she was so busy thinking and praying about her "Plan A" that she didn't have time to consider "Plan B" yet. Proverbs 1:7 says "Fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge. Only fools despise wisdom and discipline." I want to have knowledge of God's plan, I better be "aweing" Him. Hmmm . . . makes me wonder? Does God really have a "Plan B"?

Old Year Out, New Year Coming!

So much to get cleared up and finished as the New Year approaches!

It's that time to get all the bills paid for 2005. It's time to pack up all the Christmas stuff and put it away. It's time to finish the little odds and ends that must be done by Dec 31st. It's time . . . .

Yeah! It's time for new thinking. It's time for new vision. It's time for a new haircut! (I had to put that one in because, for me, it just gives me new prospective!) It's time to press into the new places that I've been waiting on for this past year. It's time . . .

Having this blog for the past year has probably been the main factor for keeping me sane. Being able to drop thoughts here has helped me, I'm sure. About 11 months ago I had a dream that stirred me to begin reevaluating why I do what I do. I've prayed, talked with friends, studied the Word and researched various avenues for moving into the new place that that dream stirred in me.

Waiting this long has been good for me, but I confess it has been very hard. I really believe the wait is almost over. I know that by this time next year, I will be very different. My life and circumstances will be different. This feels like one of those momentous moments in a person's life where you know that after crossing a threshhold, the door will close to where you've been, but the adventure of the new stuff ahead keeps you facing forward and moving onward.

By the way, I wasn't chosen for the first job I interviewed for, but I will be submitting my cover letter and resume for another one this week. I believe I would really enjoy this new one. It would stretch me, but I would have the opportunity to be with forward thinking people and offer direction and creative ideas in that mix as well.

Waiting . . .

I don't know about you, but waiting is not one of my fortes. I just haven't learned to do it well. When I get an idea or passion in my head, I just want to forge on with it! Why do I feel like there's a hesitation for everything? Ok . . . maybe sometimes I've had some hairbrained ideas. Hey . . . how would I know they were hairbrained if I hadn't talked them out with someone?!

I am waiting this week for a decision on a job possibility. At the moment, it feels like I have waited all year for this opporunity, but I also know that God has my days in His hands and I have a great peace. I am waiting for a very long week at work to be done. I'm not looking forward to 10 hours on my feet this coming Saturday. I am waiting for complete clarity in some decisions that I have to make that will affect many areas of my entire life.

It's interesting that the one thing I face this day with is the assurance that God is moving forward. He is not waiting - He's at work. Ok . . . He might be waiting for humans to act and then He can work through those people. I don't want to get into a big theological thing here. I do know that I do believe that He is at work on my behalf. I want to snuggle up close to Him to hear His heartbeat and pulse for the day. I really do know that He is the only one who has a full grasp on the whole picture. That's actually quite reassuring to me!

So . . . I wait. Time ticks on. People make decisions. God is at work. I wait . . .

Reminiscing Christmas' Past

Merry Christmas Grand Junction
Ensemble from 2003
















These are memories from Christmases past. While these were great times, I am glad for a break this year. I am hoping to find that place of really renewing again in the contemplation of the Christ child. What an awesome God we have who'd send His only Son . . . just for us.

Yes, I love the people in this picture. We have spent many hours rehearsing the intricasies of a good song. They are all dedicated people. I pray that this Christmas we will remind ourselves of the wonder and awe of Immanuel - God with us!

Could I Do This?

Volunteer Champion Full-time, management level position responsible for overseeing development and support of volunteers in all of (name of church deleted) ministries. For consideration, please submit a cover letter and résumé to (name deleted), Executive Pastor, by November 22, 2005. Qualified candidates will be contacted for an interview as soon as possible. For more info call (named deleted).

This was in a church bulletin this weekend. Yowza! I know this church (it's not the one I call "home".) My heart did a leap though when I read this job description. Do I think I could do that?

In August, I went to a Leadership Summit put on by the Willow Creek Association. I was strongly stirred as Bill Hybels talked about valuing and honoring volunteers. I bought a little book at the Summit which details how Willow Creek Community Church finds, nutures and develops its volunteers.

It is amazing to me. It doesn't appear to be "rocket science". It really is about empowering other people. The volunteers-to-be can go online to find "The Top 10 Needs" List. Even the list of volunteer opportunities have been named to draw people with those passions. I can see myself loving to be a Cappucino Bar Server! How fun does that sound?! Ok . . . ok . . .there are needs for a guy small group leader or meal providers (among other things) if you're not such an "upfront" person.

What does all of this have to do with God and church and holiness? EVERYTHING! It's about mining the passion in people first, then discovering ways they can serve God with that passion. It's about leadership visioning, training and empowering people.

There is an ingenious ingredient in this volunteer program. It's about exiting. Imagine knowing that your leadership really wants you to keep asking God if you're where you should be? You know that they care more about you being in the will of God than filling slots. They trust that you will be faithful to your word and complete your assignment but . . . you also know the parameters of your assignment. Indefinate is not in the job description!

If I applied for this job, it would be a complete change in my life. I'd be working full time and have to rearrange things quite a bit. I'd be leaving a church that I've attended and served in for 24 years. It would be a paradigm shift of magnanimous proportions. Hey . . . truth is that I might not even be considered for the job. So . . . I'm asking myself . . . should I go ahead and apply? Of course, I haven't even begun to check in with God about this specifically. The thing that I know is that for over a year now, I have felt restlessness trying to put "new wine" into "old wineskins". God has been stirring me about vision and the fact that I'm in the 2nd half of my life (over 50). It's about meaning and value. It's about leaving a legacy.

My thinking has been that if it means change for me to know that power of productivity in the Kingdom again, maybe I should just go for it.

Speed Limit: Go For It!

Saturday, I spent about an hour standing on my front porch with some dear friends who were coming for another reason, but spent time listening to my heart and then prayed with me. It’s amazing to have someone really listen to you and find what you’re saying to be thought through and reasonable! They asked me hard questions as well as offering insight from their other points of view. We were able to dialogue back and forth, knowing we were safe with one another, yet offering some fairly different considerations. Probably because of our various gift perspectives, the thought processes came from diverse directions. The vision was the starting point – the pool of perspectives only added to the power of potential possibilities. It felt so refreshing and hopeful. I wonder what would happen if we really did live our passions full out for God? I heard them say to me over and over, "Go for it! Do what is in your heart to do. Do not let the "fear of man" hold you anymore."

God help me live my life full out!

Heaven's Reward

A friend (and member of my extended family) passed away last week. She was ready to meet the Lord. The funeral was encouraging and uplifting. It’s just always interesting to see who finds their strength in the Lord and who doesn’t. As we stood by the graveside located at the top of a hill, I was aware of several generations raised up by this woman. They were all standing around (at least many of them) talking and reminiscing. People lingered as though they didn’t want to leave. It was very peaceful on that hill. I’m sure for many of them it felt like a respite from the weeks before.

This lady was one of the first Christians I ever got to watch live their lives. Now, I understand that no one's perfect, but she really was a great encouragement to me. She cared about me even as a teenager. While I wasn't a blood relative, I felt like I was included in family things as much as any of the family. She was pretty opinionated, yet was willing to try to answer my questions. She was an example of faithfulness that I follow to this day. I'm thankful for her willingness to walk daily with the Lord. I pray that I might be seen as such a one in my later years.

Ruth, I trust that you are enjoying the choirs of Heaven! You are probably enjoying the music in ways you couldn't have even imagined! We'll miss you this Christmas amist the celebrations for sure! I am sure that you are enjoying being in the presence of the Lord!

Signs of Change

"Be exalted, O God above the heavens, and Your glory above all the earth." Ps 108:5

God left this one evening for my daughter to catch with her camera. There's just so much to consider when looking at this picture. You might have a variety of thoughts, but I was drawn to the highlighted green leafed limb at the right side of the picture. The "former things" are dark. The "present" is highlighted and green. The "future" is in the graduation of colors from light yellow to the deep orange fading into the night time blue.

The awesomeness of the glory of God stirs me at all levels - from past, through the present and on into the future. How good our God is to display His glory for our eyes to see!

Does Silence Mean No Activity?

Sometimes I feel like that answer is a resounding "yes"!

I really do know better though. Do I really believe that God is at work on my behalf? I better be saying "yes". At least that's the correct answer. Waiting doesn't necessarily mean silence, but it seems that silence is where I am living at the moment.

I guess in my thoughts, I'd think that discussion, brainstorming, praying, fellowshipping as well as hearing the heart and passion of those committed to a group would help in the "hearing" of God's heart. It feels like having too many "opinions" is a threat.

Is that idea of "let's not talk about this" really helpful? Maybe it's just the way I process things. I find creativity in brainstorming. I find passions unfold in discussion. I bristle when someone says, "Let's just pray about it and not talk". I guess I am presupposing that mature leadership isn't going to be gossipping, so what's the problem with hashing things out?

Oh how unspiritual it IS to consider brainstorming ahead of praying! Is that really what I'm expressing? I don't think so. "Pray without ceasing" surely is the underlying foundation, isn't it? When people come together for brainstorming, shouldn't they have already spent time listening to God for revelation? Isn't the brainstorming just how to get the revelation from the abstract to the concrete? I've even wondered if one person can have all the revelation. It seems that God gives variety in giftings, maturity and passions.

The silence screams at me sometimes. So many wonderful possibilities . . . so little action. The prophets say something is up. What do we do in the meantime? Just wait for it to happen? I guess waiting is this discipline that is better grown in the atmosphere of silence. I'm not sure which is harder 1) having the vision and not the release to move or 2) silence with no sense of activity.

Yes . . . I think I'd go nuts if I didn't think God was at work on our behalf.

Waiting for the Smoke Signals

Do these look like smoke signals to you? No? I was just looking at my photo albums and this one caught my eye. Sometimes it's just hard to see what' s coming. If you were facing this cliff what would come to your mind?

I've often wondered how the early settlers felt coming into this area called the Colorado National Monument. There are some great stories of survival and settlement in the Grand Valley where I live. People face cliffs in various ways. Sometimes, they go around the cliff. Sometimes, they just crawl over the cliff. Sometimes, they sit and look at the cliff . . . and wonder . . .

Wondering what's on the other side of the cliff is surely a treacherous sort of thing. The waiting can be terrible. Some people are better at waiting. Some are not so good at waiting. I guess it's really just how much pain you want to inflict upon yourself in the waiting. Somehow, I find waiting a very painful thing. Can't I just shout "grace" to that mountain and it be removed? (Zech. 4:7) My advisors say "no"! Tossing in the towel isn't allowed either, I guess.

Something Different is Happening

This past weekend I was away at a retreat in Aspen, Colorado. It was such a lovely locale. The smells of Fall were in the air and the crispness of the morning temperature reminded me that I have wood splitting and stacking to do when I got home.

I'm back home now. School is going strong. Work is gearing up for the holidays. Christmas trees went on sale at my store this week. Things are very much the norm in this season, yet there is something different happening.

There is a huge change ahead of me. While I've been praying for many many weeks, I still don't have the pieces of information that will, at least in part, bring extreme change to my life. There's something exhilerating about the thought of change. (If this were a change in the messiness of my garage, I'm not sure I'd be all that excited.) Something different is happening.

As a general rule, I'm not all that thrilled with not knowing what's going on. When God is involved though, there is this mystique and intrigue that nags at my heart and spirit. I've been taught through the years that either I make things happen or "things will happen to me". With that philosophy coursing through my veins, the thought of waiting on God doesn't feel all that safe - or at least it hasn't in the past. Yet . . . something different is happening.

What mattered to me in my ministry seems to be taking a back seat these days to the thought of just hearing the Lord's heart for this fresh new day. Yes, what I've worked for over these years really is finding it's place in the archives of my history. Yes, what I thought would be my legacy to future generations is being cataloged as "how you always did it". But . . . something different is happening.

"The way I've done it in the past" feels like those weathered pages in an old memory album. I've called my repetitive actions "the same old, same old". Sure, I can joy in the things that God has done and the people He has touched through efforts I've created and implemented. Lives have changed and hearts were affected for eternity. But . . . something different is happening.

So, in these days of sameness in the season, there is a deep "something" happening. I believe I will be forever changed because of it. I believe it will impact how I create and implement for the Kingdom of God. I see an open door. Something different is happening . . .

Fall in Aspen

I'm sitting in the dark at the moment writing from a community computer at the Inn at Aspen in Aspen, Colorado. I'm here for a Women's Retreat. The first night in a strange bed was . . . well . . . the first night!

I'm leading worship at this retreat. I was so thankful that all the technical stuff seemed to work and things flowed smoothly. Singing at 9,000 ft is interesting. My breathe was left about 40 miles down the road!

I'm about to spend a day in sessions and enjoying the lovely locale of Aspen, Colorado. I'm looking forward to what God is up to. Something is different this year, but I really don't want to try to speculate why.

I need to go pick songs for two sessions today. My eyes feel like little burnt places. I'm looking forward to that bed being more friendly to me tonight!

About to Emerge

A friend of mine took this picture during one her her kids' science projects. We all know the story of emerging butterflies. At this moment I can't find it, but I did a blog many months ago around what happens when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. One fact I didn't pick up was that once the butterfly comes to this stage in it's development, it has 3 days to emerge. Just the significance of 3 days is mind boggling to me!

I do see the timeliness of coming into the new place. If the butterfly doesn't come on out into the new place, it is (as my friend said) a "goner". I am just beginning to think on this process.

If anyone has info to add, sites to recommend or thoughts to interject . . . bring 'em on! I don't have time to jump into a discussion at the moment (I have to get to work).

Wind from His Storehouses

"He causes the clouds to rise over the earth. He sends the lightning with the rain and releases the wind from his storehouses." Ps 135:5

This morning I worshipped and prayed with a group of intercessors on a mountain overlooking our huge valley. I found myself shouting the praises of God. I was shouting His awesome Name, His mighty works and His precious promises. It felt like His wind pouring through me. I chuckled wondering if anybody watching from the houses below might wonder at what spectacle was happening above them. (I did find out that these intercessors have been quizzed on that before!)

Probably the most amazing event of the morning (6:30am - 8:00am) was watching the rain sweep across the valley. The thunder and lightening accompanied it so majestically. We didn't get rain where we were, but at the end as I was reading the Ps 135:5 verse, the wind started to blow on us. It felt like God was saying "this is the wind from My storehouse for you".

I'm sure there were many other profound moments for those there, but as the lightening flashed, the thunder sounded and the wind blew, something woke in me of the Presence of God being right there in that time. It was a God moment.

52 Days Have Past . . .

. . . and where am I?

. . . in a greater expectation for God to show up in my every day life!

"This is a time of letting the wind blow things out of your hands. This is a time of letting the wind blow in that which you must grab hold of. In times past, you would have loved to direct the wind in a way that it would blow certain things into your hands for your keeping. But this is a time that the wind is blowing and blowing loose. Let the blowing loose and the blowing away occur so that I can blow in what you need. I will sustain you. Don’t worry about your future. I will sustain you. But let Me blow loose what needs to be blown loose and let Me blow in what needs to be replaced." (52 Days prophetic word)

I'm supposedly through with this prayer and bible reading time. I am FAR from being done though. This has been an interesting time. I thought these 52 days would drag out, but here I am . . . done. I don't think I connected with everything that was intended, but I do know there have been incredible changes, not only in me personally, but in my sphere of influence.

We have had a major catastrophe in the southern United States that affects the whole country. Hurricane Katrina has left her strong imprint on my country. She has touched me emotionally, financially and socially. I am still working out how to live daily in the wake of her influence on my life.

My church family is in a major change mode. We have a month before we know what changes await us - a new pastor. The truth is that we really don't know if even then there will be a decision. It provides great opportunity for prayers to be made on behalf of who God would send to this congregation to pastor.

Then I have to ask if I am still connected to this congregation? I am continuing to read Leonard Sweet's book which is shaking my thinking about how to do "church" in the day we live in. The whole book is about how relationships thread through everything we encounter in life. Relationship is the key to knowing God. It's the key to fulfilled life on earth. It's the platform from which I can story the gospel. But . . .WHY is relationship so hard?? It's not that neat clean pulpit vs pew interaction. It takes work and time. Both of those things drain the life out of a person sometimes! I am coming to learn though, that the deep places that God calls out to in us can only be opened in the community of relationship. Communing with God is a community - God and me. At every level of my life it's about that relationship in and around community. So, how can I just leave a community - the one I call my church?

Maybe the relationships I have are still "community" because we are all a part of the body of Christ. (Listen . . . at this point, I'm asking questions and have no clue of the answers or who might - well . . . ok . . . God does.) Again, the history of my prodigal heart reveals the wasted extravagance of friendships I severed when someone decided they weren't attending my exclusive "community" called "church". It's been hard to look them in the face in the years following. These days though, they seem much more receiving of me and I of them. They wonder what I'm up to when I show up in unexpected places. Their first thought is "what are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Yeah . . . I've been wrong. Just like Hurricane Katrina blew to smotherines everything in it's path, I am hearing that the Spirit of God wants to blow on me. "Let the blowing loose and blowing away occur so I can blow in you what you need. I will sustain you." I think it's time to hold the traditions just a little looser for the Spirit of God to blow the dead out and blow the new in. I see those images of the whole foundations blown out from under houses. Some houses stood, some collasped. His promise is that He will sustain me. My faith journey is leading me to risk the chance that the "blowing in" will be a continuation of the full destiny God has for me.

Contemplative Days

Thanks to those who have nudged me about becoming slack in my blogging ventures. Makes me feel good that someone is reading them!

I have been doing my reading that I promised a couple of weeks ago. Again, there is just so much in those readings that I don't have the time (nor you the probable reading interest) to blog on them. I'll try to get highlights soon.

It feels like a tsunami has hit my life. It's hard to really get too descriptive because too many people read this who wouldn't understand my consternation in these days. I think I am coming to understand more clearly the physics principle of inertia. Change is hard. Whether I have to begin something I've not done before or whether I need to change directions from my current path, there has to be an external force to initiate the change. How do I do that? Who or what do I allow to be that "force"? What is the final pressure that will create the change so badly needed? Would it be finances . . . fear . . . frustration . . . hopelessness? Could it be anticipation . . . new vision . . . Holy Spirit nudge? There are probably other forces I've not considered. Likewise any of the above mentioned could be used for good to get me in the new place.

I know that my reading has been around the changes that God wants to do in my life. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm doing these changes all by myself. It'd be nice to do them in "community". I know that I need relationships that will love me, yet be willing to relate with me regularly to help keep me moving toward a more holy life. Sometimes, in my desire to go there, I understand there will be disagreements. I'd like to have dialogue, yet safety in these changing times.

It would seem to me that a shared vision emblazened with the passion of God would be the glue that would help hold things together through the changing times. Maybe that's what I'm looking for . . . Surely God would like to see that too?

Digging for Oil

It's been awhile since I posted. My life seems to be in an interesting transition at the moment. I'm not sure what the days ahead will have for me, but I do know that I am leaning hard on Jesus during these times.

I'm not behind in my reading. I'm behind in the writing. Sometimes my mind thinks of so many things around what I'm reading that I can't figure out how to get it out my fingers! I've been reading and praying through "52 Days of Rebuilding Your Spirit, Receiving a New Anointing, and Unlocking Your Future" . There are just so many things to pray about and ponder that I just don't have the time on a daily basis to write what I am thinking. (whew!)

Here are the salient points of what I've been reading. These are the bold print of the document linked above.

• My people are resisting the drill of discipline. My people are resisting My attempt to go deeper.
• Do not agree with and settle on the wrong side of the river.
• The River Jordan is rising! Do not fear the rising waters around you.
• Purpose in your heart to be the first to step forward. I will surround your desert places with a redemptive thread.
• If you will surround every desert that I give you, your inheritance will be secured and what seems dry will blossom.
• This is a time when that which has been gray will become clear in your life.
• This is a time to walk in My anointing and glory—not just look for it.
• You are not aware that you are a glory carrier for this season.

The scriptures around these statements are so deep. I'm not sure how I can absorb this stuff on a daily basis. There's just a lot there. I think of all the things I am reading it is reassuring to know that the Father is giving me a choice to remain in my same circumstances or to move "across the Jordan" to the new place. He even said that there would be no condemnation - "but your expectation of Me will be lessened". That caused my heart to jump into my throat. It sounded like I would just "settle". My holy discontent just won't let me do that! (See Thurs, Aug 11, 2005 blog entry.)

These are days for the oil search of the Lord in my heart. I am encouraged to know that He feels there IS oil in there. It feels like months that I've cried out to God for the deeper things He has. I know that not everyone is interested in going there. I also know that probably more people than I realize DO want to search out His glorious riches. If God be for us, who can be against us?!!

Holy Discontent

I am attending the Leadership Summit 2005. I was able to go because someone else had to back out at the last minute. I was almost in tears on Wednesday night as I watched the simulcast and realized that I was not able to go. A long time friend helped open a door and I found myself sitting in the Bill Hybels and Rick Warren sessions. It was so encouraging to me.

I have for quite awhile found myself with this inside passion thing for which I didn't have a label. I have wrestled between a couple of long time held thought processes. Questioning is not ok. Asking the "why" or asking "how" has seemed to be an unholy thing. It came down to the idea of "not touching the Lord's anointed". Honestly, I've always been pretty fearful of doing that and losing any sense of ministry the Lord might have through me. Everything I heard today, though, wasn't about wrestling with people. It was about a need not being met.

So, when I heard today about this thing called "holy discontentment", I realized that I really might have been feeling that for some time. This capacity for activism Hybels talked about is something I've felt. There's that extra shot of energy amidst a furnace of frustration. I was encouraged to hear him say that what brings me holy discontent very likely brings God holy discontent. I don't take that lightly. It's a huge risk, but something that becomes worth it in the light of staying the same. This holy discontent is about feeling wrecked about something. What is one thing that affects me? Comparing it to Popeye the Sailorman . . . "That's all I can stands. I can't stands no more!"

The Slow Stretch

I confess I'm in a time where I feel tempted. I'm not sure with what exactly. I just know I feel restless.

The waiting is hard for me. I'm trying to pray for the new thing that was prophecied. I'm trying to listen for a new strategy of multiplication. I have been in pain physically more these past few days than I have for awhile. I don't know if it's stress or just tiredness. I do find myself reading stuff that puts ideas in my head. I just don't know if I have the faith to pursue those things. I know it's a stretching time. It feels like the shift is in progress, but it seems to be happening so very slowly. I need Holy Spirit's eyes to help me see the old paths that I just keep circling and then, how to step off the circle and onto a different path. I just keep thinking that I don't want to be the same in five years as I am today. Whether I have to go over rocks, through the forest or simply over some dirt, I just don't want to be the same.

Maybe I'm too worried about staying the same that I miss the opportunities to shift into the new place? I wonder how scary the new place is? Hmmmm . . .

Faith Is A Journey

I am reading Out of the Question . . . into the Mystery by Leonard Sweet. The subtitle is Getting Lost in the Godlife Relationship.

I'm finding that my training has led me into a lifestyle that hasn't made much room for the mystery of Christ. I was taught that there is an answer for everything - I just have to find it. Of course the Bible was the place I was taught to always look.

While I do believe the Bible is God's handbook for living, it is not God Himself. Does that sound like an odd statement? I am finding that I actually have a better relationship with my Bible than I do God. It seems like the Holy Spirit has been prompting me for years to get to know God in a more personal way.

I have a friendship that has taught me much about relationship. My friend was the first person I called when I was in a crisis situation. The friend isn't even in this country, but my crisis was huge. My friend was comforting, yet helpful in direction. Our relationship has blazed a trail of commitment.

Sweet says "The true test of faith is not knowledge based. The true test of faith is a revelational, and relationship, test. Is Christ dead or alive in my life? Has the Jesus virus infected my life until my spirit is becoming His spirit? A relationship with God-loving God-is the fulfilling of the Law, according to Jesus. The moral law was written on tablets of stone. But Jesus rolled away the stone. The Jesus trimtab is now grafted into the human heart until 'as He is, so are we in this world," until 'Christ is formed in you.' " Out of the Question . . .Into the Mystery - page 30

Sweet goes on to describe churches that are lifeless. They are the ones with the form but no substance. They are fruitless. There is very little relational happenings, vertically or horizontally. Christ is a principle that says "Christ is the answer!" That statement almost seems blasphemous! Of course He is, I'm thinking. As I am thinking, reading and remembering I find I am most drawn to relationship. Looking at my friend, I see that I have a deep commitment. We surely do not always agree, but we ask questions of each other and spur one another to more than mere rote answers.

The journey . . .the journey . . . the journey . . . it's about the journey. Faith is a living ongoing thing. It's dynamic and living. Belief, on the other hand, is something that I look back upon. It doesn't mean that belief is bad, it just means that it isn't dynamic for the days ahead. It's more like a stone, something you build upon. My challenge has always been that I don't really revisit those beliefs all that much. I just camp on them, not questioning as I move on in the dynamics of my faith journey. (Insert heresy hunters and lightning bolts) Sweet is confronting me. To which do I cling - my stony beliefs or the relationship with God that might be moving my journey from faith to faith and possibly changing (reshaping) some of my beliefs?

What do I do when my belief stones aren't willing to move as my faith grows along the journey?

All Day Praise

It's an all day opportunity. Working will give me plenty of openings to choose to praise the Lord. (insert smiley face here)

Even God's wonderful creation sometimes looks like it's not all that excited about what's happening too.

Why so downcast, oh my soul? Put your trust in God!

Even in a dry and barren land, the shadow I cast could mean hope for another. I pray that even my shadow will praise You, Father!

Clear Choices

I've found myself striving so hard to make the "right" choices. There is so much to consider sometimes. How will this affect my family? How will this affect my friendships? What about the future? What about all the relationship investments of many years?

The pull seems to be between the pain of staying the same with it's promise of stale standardization or the pain of change and it's uncharted challenges. When standing at the crossroad of choice, neither looks all that inviting. I shudder at the old adage "you will not change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change".

James 1:8 that says "a double minded man is unstable in all his ways".

That's a picture of a person whose head is swinging back and forth looking and looking at the options trying to figure out the pros and cons. The person is frozen in time until he can get that choice made and set off on the corresponding journey.

Here are some select verses from Deuteronomy 30:

"11 This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand or perform.

14 The message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it.

19 Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendants might live!

20 Choose to love the LORD your God and to obey him and commit yourself to Him, for He is your life."

I hear God saying that the choice isn't as hard as I am making it. The message is really in my heart. God is drawing a line in the sand and saying "choose". He's even telling me what choice to make. It's interesting, why do I struggle with the choice? Life and blessing surely is more inviting than death and curses!

So now . . . life and blessing is my choice.

The Window of My Future

"This is the time to open up the window of your future. Do not go backward. Set aside 10 days to advance. Praise daily. Do not retreat. Do not allow the window of your future to close. Do not find yourself on the wrong side of Jordan where your promises cannot be completed and fulfilled."

I am challenged these days to praise, but I remember that God is always worthy of praise. It really isn't about how I feel, it's about who HE IS!

Ps. 34:11-14
" Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the LORD. Do any of you want to live a life that is long and good? Then watch your tongue! Keep your lips from telling lies! Turn away from evil and do good. Work hard at living in peace with others."

Those words are very much important to me. I want to be a person who lives in the truth. Sometimes the circumstances that surround me are telling me things that are not true. I have always been taught to "believe the best first". I am working hard to do that today. Sometimes the evidences that show themselves over time do not bear out truth. Sometimes they bear out more truth than I ever knew. That does something to a person's head - their belief system.

It's been several days since I've had time to think and write. I've missed writing my thoughts. This "stretching" is not always so fun. The past is very comfortable and cozy. The problem is when the "window of my future" opened, I can't even look back at what I was with any joy of going back there. The past was great. It's just not something I want to live in now.

It seems that the scripture reading I'm doing these days is a reminder that my lips need to have the praise of God on them. While I know that's important for all of the time, it is very important for now. I want the latter years of my life to be fruitful and rich. I want what I do to be meaningful for the Kingdom of God. The "window of my future" is not only seen with me in mind. It includes all who God brings into my life. It seems that the choices I make now will influence those people and opportunities. (I know it's not hugely complicated to understand - it's just very weighty on me at the moment.)

Help me, Father to remember that You have a better view than I do of the future. Lead me so I can hear You. I will try so hard to listen. I will lift up my voice to praise You with all that I have. I will do my part and trust that You are opening my eyes to see and believe. Thank You for Your revelation . . .