Taking A Look - Back and Forward

2006

Never would I have imagined

that so much would change

during this past year

in so many ways.

So many words to describe the year:

frustration

impatience

weariness

anticipation

failure

not a fit

framer

oldest son leaving home

middle son starting to work

husband's cancer

major operation

recovery . . . still

seismic shift

lonely

worship

fellowship of His suffering

loss of friends

stretching

weekly writing assignments

mental challenges

B in Math

Pell Grant

Saccammano Scholarship

longing for significance

learning to rest

waiting

not in control

new job

steep learning curve

new world of acquaintances

3.912 GPA

Christmas traditions

family

great musical Christmas weekend

longing for better focus

praying for His will in 2007

Leading Up to Christmas

Those waiting in darkness

have seen a great light!

I am singing in a Christmas choir at a church that has previously never had a choir. Why in the world would I be doing this? Honestly, I'm not sure. There are about 80 other folks who are involved in the choir as well. It's a Celebration of Joy for Christmas weekend. We will sing for four services next weekend. I think we'll have it right by Sunday noon!

Our son is coming home for Christmas! How fun is that! (a LOT!) He is driving a rental car. We feel better knowing he will be doing that rather than try to drive his own vehicle. Never know if something might go wrong. The rental car people would take care of him if something does happen. It will be fun to have him around for a few days!

Over the weekend we attended the wedding of one of our young relatives. It was a beautiful event with all the fun and wonder of a wedding. It was a sweet sort of gathering in that we saw many people we haven't been in contact with for awhile. Sometimes I just don't know how to "be" around all the variety of people I know. Of course, I know I'm just supposed to be "ME", but I've worn so many "hats" over the years that I'm not sure which one I'm wearing at this moment. Hmmm . . . it could be that I am wearing a hat that the older acquaintances haven't seen and the newer ones only know me in. (If that makes an ounce of sense . . .)

Last night was the first office Christmas party I've attended in a long time. Actually, I can't remember the last party like that. It was good for us to go though, because we met spouses/significant others of co-workers. We laughed and enjoy great food.

We had just come from our usual Saturday night church event where we met an old friend. She is trying to find a place to worship. I'm not sure this is where she will want to be, but she will sort that out.

I completed my Business Law class. I was pretty worried about a 200 point (out of the total 575 points for the course) final exam. Turns out that I earned 192 out of 200 points. That's pretty ok I guess. My prof emailed me saying I had a 98% in the class. Hopefully I will come out of this Fall semester with near a 3.9 GPA. We'll see.

This next week before Christmas has me out of the house 4 of 5 nights. Three of those are rehearsals. I chuckled at the last minute blaze of rehearsals. We're doing something very new for this church, so it will be fun to be part of these "firsts".

Not Sure How to Do this Holiday Season

This Christmas will be unlike those we've experienced in about 20 years. Typically, we were involved in church things up until the moment we put away the musical instruments on Christmas Eve. Of course, in between Christmas and New Year's Eve, we took down the Christmas decorations at church. Working at a retail store for the last four Christmases basically burned me out. I saw enough Christmas stuff to do me for years - starting each August.

This year is different. I am not working in retail anymore (YAY!). The church I attend has people who do all the decorating. Between Thanksgiving and the first Sunday of Advent, the whole place transforms. It's beautiful. The trees lining the street to the church are all lite. The lobby has great decorations. The lighting in the sanctuary is seasonal. There is a Memorial Service for folks who have lost loved ones in the past year. All of this is great; I'm just not in the middle of any of the planning or doing of it.

So . . . how shall we do this holiday season? I'd like to make it really meaningful. I'm just not sure what that looks like. I'm beginning to think I really have to rethink this whole season. I don't know that we've been over commercial in the past; we just didn't have the money for that. I'm just in the thinking process. More to come . . .

The Leaves are Gone

The last month I would have liked to have been in this little cabin watching the snow come and melt again. Alas though, I was in PA for a week, then home for work, school and company. I have missed the Fall colors, but they were lovely in PA. There are very lovely in Colorado as well.

Just a week ago, I was in Colorado Springs at New Life Church. It was a great service of worship and Pastor Ted Haggard teaching. There was some political discussion which seems to have stirred up a mess. That next week, the story was broken by a Denver TV station of a gay male escort who said Pastor Ted often used his services. The man accused Pastor Ted of buying methanphetamines as well. The shock of this news rippled throughout evangelicalism. I was pretty sad about the whole situation. Pastor Ted confessed and was was removed. He is now going through a long term kind of repentance and restoration time. I don't know what his future holds, but I am praying for both Ted, his wife, Gayle, and their children.

So, while I would really like to be holed up in this nice little cabin, I understand that I need to be active in my world. Being very aware that right at this moment I don't have any real accountability, I am challenged by what is now wafting through the evangelical waves of thought. I have written a couple of the pastors on staff at my church. I encouraged them to be sure to be accountable. I don't know that my thinking matters much, but I really do love them and want them to be in accountability to someone who can speak very truthfully to them. They are so vulnerable to attack. I'm continuing to pray for them.

So . . . I will try to get back to writing. This Christmas season is going to be so very different for me. I'm looking forward to this year. More to come . . .

The First Day of Fall?

Believe it or not, this is what it looks like in the Colorado Rockies today!

It's official - today's the first day of Fall. Tomorrow is Color Sunday. Many people pile in vehicles to travel through the Colorado Rocky Mountains to view the beautiful colors turning from the green of Summer to the varied offerings of Fall.

At the moment, there is no sun shining. Ominous clouds have settled in for several days. Rain pours from the clouds reminding me of my plans to clear the weeds out of the backyard. Oh shucks! Won't being doing that job today!

My most likely house job today will be clearing off the woodstove. Because it sits in the center of our living room, the woodstove becomes a place for vases and candle decorations throughout the summer. Can't have those on the surface of a hot stove, so I need to get them moved elsewhere. At least the wood pile in the house is dry. I'm quietly thanking my son for filling the wood holder last Spring.

Several of my friends are at retreats this weekend. They will be traveling Interstate 70 through the mountains. Later this evening, I'll be checking with them to see if they are home safely yet. Others will be coming home midday Sunday. That just seems like a safer time to travel.

Hmmm . . . my Cowboy Coffee Cake is hot out of the oven. The butter is waiting to melt on the hot coffee cake. Yum . . . it's going to be a good day!

Thoughts From a Brisk Sunday Morning

We snuggled a little deeper into the down comforter this morning as the temperature dipped to 31 degrees. Brrr! Oh how I love this time of the year! (No, really, I do!)

During these weeks between posts, I've been feverishly trying to learn a job position for which I had no previous experience. Oh, yeah, I can talk to customers on the phone and diffuse a bit of their frustration. Also, I'm not afraid to squirrel around the business computer system; I've been told there is nothing I can do to hurt it. We'll see . . .

Some might call me morbid, but we sat in front of CNN's free Pipeline e-cast of the real time morning newscast of 9/11 this past week. My kids are older teens now. I want them to have those pictures clearly in their heads. They remembered some of it from five years ago, but they have a much better perspective today. Having been grade school aged when John Kennedy was shot, see some of those old black and white films of that time reminds me what an impact it had on my life. Important things should not be forgotten.

Back to the brisk Sunday morning . . . Because I go to church on Saturday night, my family has the opportunity to enjoy a leisurely Sunday. Since studying the idea of "sabbath" for awhile, some of my preconceived ideas are being challenged - within myself mostly. There is a refilling of sorts that occurs when I set aside a day to 1) remember the works of God in my life during the past week, 2) be with family and 3) do refreshing things that aren't done during the rest of the week. (The key here is refreshing, not the backlog of pressing stuff that nags at me.) This all starts in motion each week for me begins as we go to church on Saturday night. It's almost like starting the sabbath on Saturday night and concluding it Sunday night. I might have to write more about that sometime.

Coffee is especially yummy this brisk Sunday morning. Not having to be any place at any specific time makes sipping my coffee especially nice. Tomorrow will be faster paced as work schedules demand leaving the house at 6:30 am. But, today, reflection and renewing is the course of action.

New Job Adventures

This past week was the beginning of a new job for me. While at the beginning I knew nothing about the product or company, it seems I am learning more moment by moment. The people at the office are kind and encouraging.

I work with a lady who puts in long hours and works very hard. She is a good teacher but had little time to train this week because of month end bookwork. Toward the end of the week, we had more time to look at paperwork. She has been very helpful.

This coming week, a trainer will come to our office to give me more training. My desk will have been moved into a different space and I will be working to organize my desk before she comes. I imagine that I already know some about the daily operations of the office, but I'm sure she will "connect the dots" better for me.

To my utter surprise, the other lady in my office informed me that I would be paid for Monday, Labor Day. I reminded her that I am only part time. She assured me that she had been paid as a part time person so she couldn't imagine why I wouldn't as well.

On this Saturday of Labor Day weekend, I will have to work nine hours today at my old place of employment. I offered to do that because some time ago I traded a Saturday with another lady. The employer wanted me to work today. I think I will be really glad when this day is over!

On Monday, I will take my husband to work; he usually works these holidays for the great extra pay. My daughter and I will find something fun to do, I'm sure. I think I could get used to this in no time at all!

A Few Weeks Later

Wow! Times flies around here. Between school assignments, long work hours and family adventures, this blog has suffered from lack of attention.

Here are a few excerpts from the month of August:

• My husband had a second bone scan; there's not been any growth of the cancer since the last scan in May of this year.
• I have completed 19 credits of college since May of this year.
• Our family enjoyed serving pastors and church leaders during The Leadership Summit sponsored by Canyonview Vineyard Church.
• I worked more hours per week at my job than I have any other weeks during my four years of employment there.
• During the Summit, I interviewed for another job which pays 1/2 again as much as the place of my current employment.
• Starting the last week of August, I will be changing employment to go to the place at which I interviewed. = ) (Interesting fact: 25 hrs at the new job = 39 hrs at the old job.)
• My daughter is ready to start schooling the last week of August.
• My husband has met and will continue to meet with oncology docs in our town. It is possible that he will qualify for some trials re: the kind of cancer he has.
• My middle son is working at a regular schedule and seems to be thriving.
• I am sensing the Presence of God in all of this and find that I have these little "moments" with Him throughout the day.

There are many "thank you God" things happening, wouldn't you say? My daughter and I are working out a schedule between her schooling and my work. We're expecting a great school and work year.

25 Years Ago Today

Our firstborn was born 25 years ago today. He is away from home now but hopefully serving God still. He is learning more about what he's made of and how he can do more than he ever thought he could do. I know he's not perfect, but I'm proud like crazy of him. Happy birthday, son!

If You Say Go

A song we sang in church this week end meant so much to me that I came home and found it on the web. It's a song written by Diane Thiel. It's called If You Say Go.

If you say go we will go

If you say wait, we will wait

If you say step out on the water

And they say it can’t be done

We’ll fix our eyes on you and we will come

Chorus:

Your ways are higher than our ways

And the plans that You have laid

Are good and true

If You called us to the fire

You will not withdraw Your hand

We’ll gaze into the flames and look for You

©2002 Mercy / Vineyard Publishing (Admin. by Music Services)All rights reserved. International copyright secured.CCLI song #3548640

Spending or Being Spent?

Sunday in church, I was reminded again of a phrase that I heard a long time ago in youth ministry. I remember challenging my students with the idea of "being spent" rather than "spending" so much. They would be looking at cars, movies, concerts, etc. trying to decide how the little bit of money they had could be "spent". It was an interesting time trying to retrain thinking that was solidly reinforced by television, radio and peers. Way back then, there wasn't instant messaging or even text messaging to consider either.

Pastor Dan reminded us again that our lives are not our own if we truly want to be a follower of Christ. We've been in a series entitled "Can We TALK?" A delimma happens in the heart of the believer in Christ. We want to become more holy - separated from sin in our world- yet we want to invite the world to join us in the journey with Christ. How do you do both?

Oh, I know there are lots of models out there for how it's being done. The God directed ones are very fruitful. I am reminded that "by their fruit you will know them". I have made all kinds of excuses in my past when there is no "fruit" in what I have been doing. When all the rhetoric is sliced away, it's still about the "fruit". I think that's why churches in general struggle with goals and accountability. God might honestly be directing, but to find the right model to implement that direction might take more than one shot. Somehow, it seems like admiting one model is not bearing fruit and considering another model to see if it might bear fruit is not "spiritual". Bleah! What is that all about?

Back to Sunday's sermon . . . Pastor Dan confessed that he is trying to find that place where the church is serious about being a "church to the unchurched" yet finds the clarity to disciple in deeper ways those that are following Christ. It's certainly not that we don't have a bunch of serving opportunites through the evangelism arm of the church. Recently our church helped do a Home Makeover for a gramma who was taking in grandkids whose parents were drug users. That was a huge task, but over 160 volunteers found themselves entrenched in something meaningful and rewarding. They were being spent. In addition to small groups galore, there are a variety of training classes on Wednesday nights. Seasonally, there are training classes for teachers, counselors, etc. It's not like the church is sitting around being eye candy for the community.

So? Why is this series impacting me so much? It's making me ask, "What can I do?" I know that would encourage my pastor. He reminded me of something I read awhile back. The idea was about not just living for success but living for significance. I am learning that in the hiearchy of needs there is this place of "self actualization". Self-actualization is the instinctual need of humans to make the most of their unique abilities and to strive to be the best they can be.
For a follower of Christ, this is about discovering and understanding how God has created you; your giftings and passions are able to be lived out with abandon.

I made a decision one year ago to make a huge shift in my life. I believe it was a God directed move. It has not been easy nor has it gone the way that I thought it might. That's ok. Learning to wait has not been a forte of mine over the years. It seems that this is my time to learn to wait. I believe that I am to keep my eyes and ears open to what the Spirit of the Lord is saying to me. It's not that I am not doing something while I wait; I'm going to college, working, dealing with cancer in the family and homeschooling. I just know though, that there is that place of being spent that I have not found yet. I still think it will become my work and my college training will mesh with it as well. It feels like I have so much to give and I want to be spent meaningfully. I guess I will see in the days ahead how this will find real life application.

Certified Framer

My company trained me and certified me to be a picture framer. That should keep me out of trouble, eh?

This picture is a Google image, but sometimes I feel like I'm slaving over a picture about as hard. It's all about the details!

I'm excited to have my certification framed and on the wall with my co-workers. We're a team now!

Adventures in the Mountains

This cute little guy jumped right up in front of my daughter to pose. She almost dropped the camera in surprise, but had enough reflexes to snap the pic.













These fellas were on a ledge from which they could look down . . . about 10,000 feet!













This little guy was posing for more treats! He had some unusual coloring. He was very friendly though.

A Sunday Evening in the Mountains

Finishing my Ethics class was a blast! My professor read quickly over it before my last class and said it looked good. Yeah!

This week begins two more classes in this endeavor to finish my BA in Organizational Management. "Early Christian Literature" is on Wednesday night and "Leadership and Management" is on Friday night. I've had a NT Survey class much like the Wednesday class. I'm not expecting that to be too hard. The Leadership class is of great interest to me, so I want to glean as much from it for "real life" tools to use. I know I am in this time of significant shift in my life.

Our family took a trip to our nearby Grand Mesa last Sunday. We packed a picnic lunch and headed for the hills. We picked up a friend in a small town on the way. The flowers were beautiful. The weather was sunny, yet cool. It was a great evening as we watched the sun set over the Grand Valley. My daughter took some great pictures. There are several fires in our area, so the smoke across the valley was very visible. Still, it made for some great sunset shots.

The World from My View

What does this picture say to a person looking at it? It's the old question - "What do you see?"

I am trying to articulate my world view for a university class. I thought my views were fairly clear by now considering my age. My professor (and my reading) have rather shaken that notion though. Having your views "shaken" is not a bad thing. I'm not forsaking my convictions, yet I am really having to rethink what I really do believe. That's a good thing!

I don't think I'm as cut and dried in my views as I once was. I suspect that some would consider me wishy washy or mushy in my thinking. What happened to that "have an answer for every question" kind of thinking? After all, wasn't I taught to be able to "fix" every problem and leave people with answers rather than more questions? What ever happened to life fitting nice and neatly in 10 easy steps?

My pastor's sermon this past Sunday was a reminder that sometimes our neat little answers aren't anything that we'd want to hear if we were on the questioning side of things. One point he stressed was that wherever Jesus went and whatever He did, He started discussions. He was often found in conversation with people. My take on that idea was that He was always trying to convince others that He was right and they were wrong. Is that really how He worked? The people He was continually scolding about right and wrong were religious people. Ever notice that?

I wonder if I'm as clear about my own judgementalism and sin as I am about others' actions who don't serve Christ?

Our Summer Happenings at the Moment

My daughter went on a hike with our church's youth group yesterday. They hiked up into the mountains to Hanging Lake. The incline is fairly steep, but the trail is good. She said she could see lots of fish. I guess the fish are safe up there because there is no fishing. Geesh!

Our middle son is working at WalMart at the moment. WalMart is doing a major remodel at one of its stores in our town. Our son says he is enjoying working there and would like to continue. This job is only temporary, but he's trying to connect with supervisors who could recommend him for a permanent job. This is really good for him and he seems to be rising to the occasion.

Today, I hope to take the last part of my training to be a picture framer. After I do that last section of training, I will study for a few days and then take the final test. My supervisor informed me that no one had failed it in the department yet. I think she meant to encourage me. Yikes . . . I'm not sure that's how I took it! I am enjoying this department. My supervisor is a good teacher and has a great heart about her. The two other framers are incredibly helpful and kind. I have seen them both goof up stuff and they are very open and forthright. We all know we can goof and feel safe with one another. That, by itself, is a great reason to want to be with these co-workers. There's no backbiting or gossiping. It's just a great place to be!

I'm taking Personal and Business Ethics in university at the moment. Our professor has a way of making me think about what I thought I always believed. He doesn't have an agenda - or I'm not picking up on it if he does. He really is trying to get us to define our world view. The interesting thing to me is that he doesn't demand we have a specific world view. He just wants us to be able to define it and explain why we think what we think. Our class represents quite a range of world views. It's been interesting to see those various views play out in class. Our professor says he is a facilitator more than a teacher. I know that I am learning from him, but his classroom style is much different than my college classes 30 years ago. (One would hope that would be true, wouldn't it?)

Continued Prayer Request

This is an email I sent out this week. We've been trying keep people informed as to where we are. I didn't know exactly how detailed I should be on these things, but a couple of nurse friends said the more details, the less guessing. It just helps people be able to pray specifically. Sooooo . . .there ya go!

Wanted to let you know that my dh's pathology test came back not so good. Our doc is going to try to present his case to a group of oncologists that get together in Delta to discuss treatment. There is cancer in his lymph nodes although we don't know how extensive. At the moment, the doc is wanting my dh's body to heal for the next month. Then I guess we'll get together and bat around some ideas. The doc said probably the next step is some hormone treatment that stops the testosterone from feeding the cancer. We are going to check our insurance here to see what oncologists are in that plan here in GJ. He said that would be great and he would refer if we'd like. I think we're in kinda shock mode at the moment. My dh is struggling a bit with incontinance. The doc said that might happen and has some exercises that my dh needs to do. They are supposed to be mailing us that pamphlet.

Great Night's Sleep

We finally got my husband home from the hospital. It's not that we weren't willing or even that he wasn't ready. It was about doctors. Gotta love em, right? It was a long Saturday afternoon trying to get my hubby released from the hospital, but we made it home by midevening, finally. Woohoo!

After he got home, he settled in nicely. We thought he had a temperature, but that went away in the night. Woohoo, again! A wonderful treat for us both was a great night's sleep. I don't sleep all that well when I'm not in my bed (with my hubby). We were both tired when we went to bed, but we just didn't know HOW tired until it was bright daylight out when we both woke up! It's been a long time since we've slept that long!

We're thanking God for a continual healing during this time. We're also thanking Him for a great night's sleep! Trust for many more too!

Thanks to all who've been praying - we're grateful!

Surgery Went Well

For all of you who've been praying . . . thanks!

I appreciate all who've taken time to pray for my husband's prostate surgery. It went well. The doctor was happy with the results. My hubby is resting in hospital for the next few days. He will recoup at home for a couple of weeks and have another PSA test which we are trusting will show nothing.

God is faithful. We are leaning hard on Him!

Odds and Ends

This weekend I didn't have to work at the store. We tried to get stuff done before hubby has his surgery. He was up on the roof painting around our solar panels. The new paint looks nice! We are hiring our neighbor to spray paint the rest of the house. I'm looking for someone to do some extra scraping of old paint off the trim. I can do most of it. I'm just not a ladder girl, so need someone to get under the eves and and scrape would be helpful.

I'm trying to get school stuff done too. Personal and Business Ethis is my current class. I'm trying hard to learn a bunch of world views, determine my OWN world view and then figure how I might approach business with my own world view. I was talking with my pastor's wife last night about this. She has taken this class at my university as well. She said discussions got pretty interesting when people were trying to sort out ethical decisions. I think it will be interesting where the class discussions go over the next 4 weeks. At this point, I'm just trying to get the vocabulary in my head. I'd like to be able to enter discussions from a somewhat educated framework.

I need to write a couple of paragraphs for a threaded discussion. I watched Robin William's The Final Cut. It 's a movie based on implanting a chip in the brain of unborn babies. That way, their whole life can be documented and the "rememoried" at their memorial service. Yikes! Just not real sure I want anybody but God with that kind of information! I'm supposed to write a couple of paragraphs talking about the company that does this. I'm on the Board of Directors and need to explain my goals and ethical standards. Talk about having to wear a "different" hat! (There's more to the story, but don't want to do a movie review here.)

This is going to be an action packed week. On Monday, I start to learn a new position at my job. Tuesday night is the Ethics class. Wednesday is my husband's surgery. Thursday and Friday I have a new work schedule which will challenge me as I try to pick up my son from his work when I am at my work. We'll see how that works. I think my husband will come home from the hospital on Saturday. I am scheduled to work from 9-6. Oh, I also am going to apply for another really part-time job that sounds very fulfilling to me. At the moment, I'm waiting for another employer to fill a position for which I applied as well. I think the next couple of weeks are going to be interesting!

Help for Hot Summer Days

Would you like to throw a fishing line in here with me?

I think I'll hang out by this lake until after the first of July. I found out today that will be when I will know about the job I've been wanting since April. I keep hearing good things come to those who wait. We'll see about that!

Meanwhile . . . I just KNOW that water is cold . . . how good that would feel!

Good News

This is one of those posts I've been waiting a long time to write. If we heard our family practice doctor correctly, the scans that my husband had to have, including the extras, were all negative. There was a question of the surgery happening if the scans shows anything they shouldn't. The good news is that the surgery is going to happen! YA!

Thanks and keep up the good praying!

Close and Precise

We had the priviledge to have the Blue Angels in an air show here in our town last year. We were standing on a hill where they did a low "fly by". I felt like I could have given the pilot a drink of Pepsi as he flew past us! (It was loud enough too!)

I was reminded that those pilots have hours and hours and hours of training for the precision work they do. They move as a team. I want to move that closely and precisely with my Father God. It's amazing to me that God wants to let me hear Him and move in precision with Him. Why would he do that? Got me . . . Maybe He gets the thrill of the closeness and precision as one of His kids determines to follow with every bit of their being?

You lead, Father . . . I will nestle right up close to You and learn to sense Your movement and go where You are going.

More Tests

Just a fast update . . .

Wanted to note that my husband will be having an additional CT scan. His doctors noticed some "spots" on his lungs and were concerned enough to want a better look. Our family doctor kept asking my husband if he had had a childhood injury. My husband couldn't remember those, but he was an Eagle Scout, so who knows what all might have happened?!

Hearing the techie people discuss this stuff unnerves a person when overheard. My husband is really showing no symptoms, so it's pretty odd to think anything foreign could be happening. I know though, that God is able to keep us. God knows our days. We just want to live them fruitfully and faithfully.

Thanks for praying for us as you read this . . .

Where Has May Gone?

Holy smokes! May is almost over! Ok . . .truthfully . . . we've been trying to finish my daughter's schooling like mad women. I've been working more . .. then less. I'll explain that later.

We have the scoop on my husband. He has prostate cancer. He will have surgery to remove his prostate on June 14th in Delta. Our insurance only allows us to use one urologist in our area. His practice is in Delta (and Montrose) right across the parking lot from the Delta Hospital. (Delta is about 45 minutes from our front door.) I don't remember the name of the hospital. I'm sure I'll be more familiar with it in the coming days - physically and from the receipt of bills!

Tomorrow he will have two tests - a CT scan and a bone scan. I guess that's pretty routine for this urologist to order those. He really wants to know what medical stuff he's facing when he goes to surgery. Tonight he will be swallowing the 16 oz of water with the "stuff" in it that will help with tomorrow's CT scan. He's going to put some Stevia (sweetener) in the water to hopefully help him get past the bitterness of the meds. He's gearing up for it now!

I am waiting for the job interview I have on June 6th. I have turned down at least two other jobs that would be too many hours per week for me. It was hard for me to come to those decisions because the money was pretty good. I am hoping for good things with the upcoming interview.

I have been dealing with a twisted knee. I was heading out the door one morning to take my husband to work. I caught the soul of my right shoe under the door. I know . . . how clumsy is that??? So I wouldn't fall down my porch (and really look dumb), I caught myself on my left leg. I landed wrong and twisted my knee. I barely could walk. Calling in sick to work, I knew I was unable to stand on it for the 7 hours I was to work that day. I had the next day off, so I felt that I could rehab my knee in that time. Late the next day, my work called and said that I would need to have a doctor's approval to come back to work. Yikes! That call was late Friday afternoon. I had to wait until Monday to call the doctor. I enjoyed the weekend off, but it didn't bring in any income, that's for sure.

My doctor released me to go back to work. I confess that my knee is still hurting, but it's getting better. My sister has had several knee surgeries so she's an expert on how to help. She gave me the scoop and I obeyed her. When my knee starts to stiffen up, I just wrap the heating pad around it for a little bit. Frankly, it's sitting around that stiffens it up most. I'm usually pretty ok at work. Of course, ibuprofen is my friend!

There's probably more, but that's the bare bones of the last two weeks.

Sometime I'll blog about what's happening in my heart . . .

Life Continues . . .

About that job . . . looks like it will be June 6th before I have the second interview and the hiring date is in late July! Wow! I was just a bit frustrated that it was so strung out. Oh well . . . I know that God is at work on my behalf. I just need to keep doing what I am supposed to do and not get weary in "well doing". Ok . . . I can do that . .yeah . . . I can . . .

My husband will find out the results of his prostate biopsy this week. I think we're not stressing too much on that. It's interesting to remember that we've prayed and the Great Physician is aware of our need. How He will heal now is yet to be seen. We wait . . .

College is interesting. I'm reading books that don't interest me all that much. I really have to read them because the discussion in class will be graded, so I need to have something to say. I can't remember a time when I didn't have something to say! (Oh boy . . . did I open myself up for that one?!)

We went to a training this afternoon about how to discuss the falicies of the DaVinci Code as people have questions. There's really something believable about giving a partial truth and mixing it with a huge lie. I once heard the larger the lie the greater the believeability. I want to have an anser for the hope that is within me. At the meeting today, we were given a microwave popcorn bag with an invitation stuck to it. It's to give to people who have seen the movie and have some questions or were startled by what they saw. Our church is providing three Wednesday nights in a row for a short video that speaks to four specific errors in the movie and a Q & A time afterwards. As I was leaving the church today, I saw that there were extra invitation popcorn bags. She looked at me and said "These have your name on them!" I took them because I know that God will show me how I might give them out wisely. I was thinking I might go hang around the movie theater and offer them to folks as they are leaving. I'm going to pray about what would be a creative way to use them in the most wise way. If anyone has ideas . . . put them in the comments!

A Mixed Bag of Thoughts

It's been a week! Looks like another one's coming, too!

I have to wait another week to find out about a job that I applied for about a month ago. I'm working through how long it takes for employers to select someone to hire. I know that once you hire someone, getting rid of them is hard. There's probably a real push to make sure that who they pick is a great candidate. The challenge for me was the window of the application process was supposed to be closed two weeks ago. Right before that day, I was emailed and informed that the process would be open two weeks more. I know there are reasons for that, but it messes with the pysche. If I wasn't completely sure that God is in control of my life, I'd be wondering what was going on. From the beginning of this job search, I've asked Him to open and close doors according to His will. I trust that He is doing that!

My husband will be having a biopsy this week. His blood levels weren't good when given the test for prostate cancer. So, he will undergo that process this week. Our challenge is that our insurance only covers one urologist in a 50 mile radius. Of course, he is about 40 miles from us! Now, my husband has to take off work to be able to get to the appointment. I've put prayer requests on a couple of prayer chains. God is our healer and we will walk close by Him throughout this process.

Because my job opportunity hasn't happened yet, I am still clinging to my old job. I have a great manager. She thought that I was going to work the job I am at PLUS picking up this new one. I am not so sure I could do that and do two college courses in the next 5 weeks. I am working about 12-20 hours a week (depending on the week) now. The new job would be about 24 hours a week and I'd choose my own hours (Mon - Fri). I'd like to take a second class this five weeks at college, but it is a Saturday morning class - 8am to noon. Normally, I have to work every other Saturday from 11am - 8:30pm. If I took this class, I'd need to come in to work about 1pm. Because of summer's low cash flow, I don't know if my manager will be able to work around me not being at work for those first 2 hours. She is thinking about it. I should know this week because my first class would be this coming Saturday.

We all have Spring Fever! That just means we all want to head for the mountains, breathe the fresh air and fish in the lakes and streams. People are working in their yards around here. I am doing as much as my body will allow me to do. I get really sore from shoveling. At least it doesn't effect my piano playing becuase I'm doing very little of that these days. Our house needs a coat of paint as well. I'm not sure I have the funds to cover the Spring Fever wishes!

Seven Credits Down

Here's what I'm looking at on my desktop.

This picture makes me want to go fishing! Today or Saturday would be about the only time I could because the Summer university schedule starts on Monday. No rest for the weary, they say!

It's been fun taking seven credits of college in five weeks. I think I did a pretty good job though. My profs were great and really helpful. This was my first trek back into the world of academia. It's been an adventure. I'll say that I've met some great people and had opportunity to share some good stories. In my Biology class, for instance, were people working toward their teaching certificates. They were trying to get the general education classes out of the way before they started on the degree specific courses. This Biology course was called Biological Diversity. We talked a lot about ethics in Biology. I came away from this class knowing that the rate of discovery is ahead of the rate of ethical clarity. Going back and revisiting previous discussions in the area of ethics is really important.

My other class was a Computer Information Systems class. It helped sharpen my skills as I use Microsoft Office 2003. Excel is something that has always felt a bit ominous. It's less frightful to me now. I had some fun with Power Point and Word. I am trying to decide if I want to consider a Project Management Certificate along with my degree. I hear this is a great tool to have in my management skill set. It means four more courses though, so I'm just trying to decide if I want to do that work. This certificate teaches the technical aspects of project planning. I'm not sure that I'd ever be planning a major project, but it's hard to say. My professor thinks it would add $20,000 to my yearly income. Goodness . . . I don't make THAT to start with!

Today I am waiting for a textbook to come. The course is American Literature II. Did I take American Lit I? Uhm . .nope . .but . .I'm told both classes are stand alones. I checked the online syllabus for the class and discovered that the book mentioned in the syllabus is not the same one that the bookstore said was for this class. Yikes! So, now I have to wait until I get the book, check it out with the assignments online and THEN determine if I have the correct book. In the meantime, I'm looking at my desktop picture and thinking that I might enjoy hanging out at that lake this weekend. Ohhhhhh . . . it might not even be open yet. There's probably still snow. That lake is about 10,000 feet above sea level. Hmmm . . . I might have to call the lodge up there and ask!

Enjoy the picture while you listen!

The Determination of the Lord

I appreciate determination! I appreciate setting your mind to something and, like Captain Picard says, "Make it so!"

I know there are plenty of scriptures that will help a person know how to follow Christ. I was thinking of all of the "put on" or "one another" verses and then the "put off" or "lay aside" or "turn away" verses too.

Yeah . . . I do let my heart start making plans when I think something is coming. A friend wrote me today to encourage me and remind me that IF I really am asking God to lead me, then I'd better figure that He is working to do that. Seems very simple, but when the plans I was running through in my heart didn't seem to work out, I was wondering what was going on. I don't think I'm doubting God - or it doesn't feel like that. I usually wonder what other people are up to. After that, I wonder if I am really just kidding myself about what I think. I can't remember the last time I doubted God. I think if I ever started to doubt God, I'd probably be pretty unstable. He has been my rock for so long, it just seems impossible that He'd mess with my head or purposefully pull the rug out from under me. Nope . . . that's not God!

My daughter wrote this verse last year. It's a good reminder for me!

Where Does a "Good Fit" Look Like?

I created this logo (with some help from Microsoft) for an assignment I have in a university class. It expresses my idea of how I would help people put together the various ways they are gifted and empassioned. It just seems like a person with these qualities might find that no matter the situation, they could get a grip on their surroundings and help where there is a need. This person would be more directed and clear in their own personal mission. I thought that sounded like a good thing.

Can a person who has clarity of focus in these four areas really "fit" with others who don't have the same focus in each of these areas? Some might say "yes!" . . some might say "not a chance!" The jury's still out for me on this.

My personal mission doesn't need to be the mission of my employer. I could actually embrace the vision of a company and still not lose my own personal vision. Do employers look for people who will lose themselves so much in the company that the employee actual has no personal vision of their own? I guess if you're on company time, you are the company's . . . period. I wonder though if employers really want mindless employees. Hmmm . . . I know they want cooperative ones. Employers probably would enjoy employees that have enough on the ball to see roadblocks coming and tactfully share them. Again, that would mean that employers would want to hear from employees and there was an open door policy for fresh thinking and ideas.

The fun thing about this logo is that the puzzle pieces come apart. No matter where those individual pieces travel, eventually they get back to "fit" together. Those four qualities are a good fit. Happy is the employer who finds someone whose qualities do fit!

Living Water Flow

This little trickle of water reminds me of the trickle of hope I have facing this new week. I have great confidence that God is working on my behalf. I know that the ecosystem in this picture is small in size, but very balanced in its own right. The water is flowing at just the right speed to quench the thirst of the plants around it. Yet, it's not too fast or large to physically tear the plants away from the earth where they are rooted. The moss attached to the front of a rock enjoys the moisture of the water without the erosion that would happen if the stream became larger. The ecosystem is just right!

I just came from church where we sang a song called "We Are Hungry". One line in the song says "living water flow down on me". Sometimes my vision of living water flowing down on me is this deluge sort of thing. As I was reminded of this picture and found it again, I remembered that, though the water was not a rushing deluge, it IS a huge part of the ecosystem of this small area of the forest. I am guessing that our Father God really understands the volume of the flow of the Living Water we need in our lives to keep the ecosytem of our hearts in a good place to grow. How I long for not just the occasional gush and rush of the Living Water. I long for that continual flow that keeps me alive and fresh.

The Power of A Tree

Some days the future looks like a tree buried in a rock. I was reminded again this week in Biology of the power of living things. They find a way to LIVE even in the most challenging places.

My life isn't nearly that complicated. We are looking at more changes and challenges though. My husband had to have extra bloodwork and is on his way to see a urologist because of our doctor's concern about his prostate. The good thing is that this stuff is detected early and our doctor is very quick to take strong action. So, I know that weighs on my husband's mind.

Our son's job in California looks like it really isn't going to materialize. That's disappointing to him because he had some big plans around that whole project. He already gave his notice at work, so I know he's wrestling with whether to go back into the office and see if he can take his resignation back. His girlfriend thinks he needs tons of money for the move to Missouri. He thinks he can make the move "on a shoestring". I'm betting there's a happy medium somewhere in all of this!

School is going well for me. Financial aid came through for both Spring and Summer. I've been applying for the 2006-2007 school year. I applied and interviewed for a job that pays almost double what I'm making at my current job. It is a few more hours than I work now and is a place where my passion for people and technical skills could be better used. The funny thing is that I also have another interview at a place I've been trying to get work since before Christmas. I will know if I am hired for the first job the day before my interview for the second job. The second job is way more hours which makes me wonder if I could do that because of homeschooling and college. Boy! Does this only prove that God knows our days and if we would just listen to Him, He'd keep us on the right path?!

Yep . . . I feel like I'm growing out of a rock sometimes. The wonder of the enzymes in living things that allow such power to be released is just amazing. The "chance" of a seed embedding in a hollowed out place in the side of a rock face, taking root and enduring to live in the middle of the weather elements is pretty fantastic.

Truly . . . how great is our God!

My First Day in College - Again!

I had my first class last night. While I wish I was sitting on the banks of this lake reading my books . . . wow . . . now there's an idea!

My first class was with the acting director of our local center. He has his Phd. and has credits a MILE long. I am humbled by this man. His wife had a surgery a few months ago that went wrong somehow. He is staying home much of the time helping her back to health. It's not known for sure if she will ever be all the way back. He is really interested in each of the students. It's not about what information he gets out. It's more about what the students find that they need with the information he gives out. He's teaching Computer Information Systems. While I knew most of what he was saying about the computer program he was working with, I learned something completely diffferent from him. He gave a much simplier format for learning to write mission, purpose and vision statements. I will still have to think about those, but honestly, he made it as clear as I've ever heard it!

Tonight is Biology. I think this will be a more complicated sort of class. I guess we'll just wait and see. I have heard nothing but great reviews about the professor. He's been teaching at the university for many years. What a neat blessing to get to have him too! I better go check my threaded discussions to see if anyone has commented on my odd view of stem cell research.

When A Kid Leaves Home

Ok . . . some of you have had kids who've left home. How'd you do with that? I found out that my 24 yr old son was leaving. He's not mad or going to jail or anything like that. He's just . . . leaving. For what it's worth, he's leaving home to go live on his own in a place that is many many states away! Why? Well . . . it's a girl, of course!

They have known each other for several years. She has come here . . . he has gone there. She's going to college. He just wants to move by her to be near her. Nothing wrong with that . . .I guess. Ok . .big pout happening here!

Honestly, at his age, he should move out! (I heard what you were thinking!) He needs to experience the fun of utility bills and rent, eh? He tells me there is a great church there that his girlfriend is attending. He says that there are people with rentals there too. I guess he will get to experience what that is all about as well.

He will pack the following in his car: (of course this is all subject to change) (small Honda)
TV
stereo
computer
100 CDs (my guess)
50 DVDs (my guess again)
2 guitars
clothes will be in there somewhere

Now . . . what's missing? Furniture! A desk . . . an entertainment center . . . chest of drawers. So? What do I do with those? Makes me wonder what my mother did with all the stuff I left? As I remember, she kept asking me, "what do you want me to do with this stuff?" NOW I understand her delimma! I guess we'll just have to see what we do. Hmmmm . . . I might use that room as my study room! Wow . .just thought of that!

I thought the past year was a huge change. Whew . . . just wait for the next few months. I wonder if this means that someone will come to help me deep clean that room? (probably not, eh?)

On the Way (I think)

Could I be college bound?

Tomorrow I find out if the financial aid I think I see is really what I get. It will be interesting to see how this whole college thing pans out. I do believe God is opening doors quickly. I hope to be able to keep up!

I wonder if I can really do TWO subjects in 5 weeks? I think I will have to do a quick study of remembering how to "quickly study". Yikes! God please help my head to take what I read and translate it to understanding of topics I barely know.

My First Audio Blog

test test test



whatcha think?

This Is Just the Beginning I Think!

Paperwork . . .yep . . . even in my paperless world, people still want paperwork!

Getting ready for college is an adventure. I forgot that I never had to hunt for financial aid or anything like that when I went to college. I just worked for peanuts and still paid most of what I earned to the college. Oh wait . . . I guess it was called "work study". I don't know that I'll be doing that this time. So, the alternative is finding out if there's any financial aid out there for a mom who has raised her kids (mostly) and wants to start another career.

I've heard this is a great thing to do - that is , go back to college. So, I'm testing the waters to see what that means. This thing called Adult Learning has become quite the fad. Actually, it's helping lots of people fit in continuing education with the work a day job that pays the mortgage and puts food on the table. Of course, it also pays for all the public school fees for art, physical education and extra curricular activities like sports, cheerleading or band. Actually, maybe this going back to college thing just takes the place of all those fees paid for the kids. The kids can work and pay their own! It's time for the parents to get back to college!

But . . . is there anyway around all the paperwork? Probably not . . . so become friends with the copy place and find the nearest fax machine and keep lots of in pocket change for incidentals.

Incidentally might become a well used word in the next few years!

Another Closed Door . . . But Still On the Road

Four months ago I applied for a job. It was a stretch for me, but I thought I could grow to fulfill it. It was one of those long shots that I thought I could attain with hard work. It wasn't to be. Today, I found out that I was not chosen. I trust that the employer worked through all the details to select someone that would be best for the job. Still, it's disappointing to me . . . but that's ok.

Disappointment can either push you away or toward something. It's pushing me toward God. I feel like I'm on the road in this picture. I took the picture. I know the road. I even know what's at the crest of the hill. I don't know what's at the crest of the "hill of my future" though. This was one of those situations that I really thought I could work into. Sometimes, when people don't know you, or want to risk what you may or may not be able to do, the chance to work into something just doesn't happen. Many of my friends were trying to ease me into the fact that I wouldn't be chosen. They are good friends to care for me so much.

I guess enough time has passed that I already have my sights set on other things. Thankfully this job wasn't the only thing my mind has been set on all this time. I do have other dreams. Someone actually pushed me to voice one of those dreams yesterday . . . that will be for another post someday.

Today, though, I look back on a closed door with sadness, but clearly understanding that my whole person was not resting on that one decision. My life and purpose can't be wrapped up in one person making a decision. I think I'm fairly healthy with that perspective. Today, I'm a bit teary, but I know that tomorrow I'll look again at the days ahead with anticipation. There are good things happening in my life. I'm thankful to my Father God for His watchful eye and leading hand on my behalf.

It is God who works in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure!

One Door Closed - Others to Open?

Yesterday was a huge day for me. It was the end of 25 years of being connected to a church and a family of believers. It was interesting because I knew that the timing was right. The pain I've felt for this past year had brought me to the ability to let go and know that God will still be with me and work through me. I feel like I do when I'm hunting for a new job. I keep thinking I need to have something to show for my day. It doesn't make sense, I know!

I AM job hunting. I lined up several jobs that I think I'd like to apply for. I have to decide, though, if I want to be gone 40 hours a week. I don't think I want to do that. My daughter's schooling is too important and she's getting Spring Fever. It's hard to keep her moving, but we're working on it. I'd like not to have to get a 40 hr per week job - maybe just at 20-25 hour one that pays about $10. Does that sound too hard? (I know . .not for God!)

I'm looking at financial aid this week as well. My goal at this time is to get a BA in Organizational Management for Christian Leaders with a minor in Psychology. I'd like to then go on to get a MA in Counseling. I should be able to do it at Colorado Christian University. This adult learning program allows me to take a course in a 5 week block - attending class one night a week as well as reading paper books, corresponding internet info and threaded discussions. There are just lots of details to iron out before I can jump full throttle into the coursework.

Now I need clarity to be able to write essays for scholarships. They don't have to be all that long - just clear and succinct. I pray for a free flowing sense of writing. I can get drowsy writing in the afternoon. I need to get it in gear though!

Someone just told me there are scholarships for left handed people? Gotta find those!

It Felt Good to Speak Again

Even though it's been awhile, I wasn't as nervous as I thought as I shared my testimony with the women's ministry group at Canyon View Vineyard Church last night. After one of my friends questioned what I was originally asked to do, I realized that I don't think my testimony is all that interesting or exciting. It was important though for me to do as I was instructed - not add to or assume. The leaders are incredibly gracious, so their promptings were received well.

As I put the testimony together, I found that I had a page of stuff that I have done for the last 30 some years. It's amazing to see how the Lord has been gracious in my life. Sometimes I think what I have done isn't all that interesting. I guess that remains to be seen.

Probably the most precious part for me was to share who I am. I made a list of some of the most difficult times in my life and some of the most meaningful times in my life. I realized as I recalled different events - difficult or meaningful - that these things have made me who I am. My thought processes and deep seated feelings flow out of these experiences. It makes me think of the Romans 5 passage that talks about "tribulation working patience, patience experience, and experience hope." The part of that passage that touches me is the fact that hope makes me not ashamed.

Just for the record, I thought I'd put those two lists here.

Some of the most difficult times in my life have included:

1. the suicide of a boyfriend
2. the leaving of my father and basic disinterest in me
3. trusting again that God would bring the love of my life back into my life
4. finding a friend who left without explanation
5. trusting that another friend would not do the same thing
6. realizing that some things have a season of time and are not forever
7. understanding that pouring my whole heart into something doesn't necessarily mean that it was wrong to do that - it's not always reciprocated or even appreciated
8. understanding that God loves me . . . period
9. making a choice to change my entire church family base and leave what was me for the last 25 years

Some of the most meaningful times of my life have included:

1. coming to know Jesus Christ as my personal Savior
2. experiencing the revelation of the Father heart of God
3. watching people grow in their giftings as they are mentored
4. slowly working myself out of a job as others have been mentored to do what I've done
5. talking about God with my children
6. seeing my kids learn from me and go on to do things better than what I do
7. realizing that God is not finished with me yet
8. living peacefully with myself when I am not sure what the future holds for me in career and ministry

I received an email this morning that encouraged my heart. It said, "I really enjoyed your story last night. The part about taking risks really spoke to me. I am definitely not a risk taker. In fact, my prayer request last night was for courage to be able to do so."

Thank You, Father for being there with us. You knew each heart and each need. I pray that You will continue to visit with those who opened their hearts to You. Whether it was about risks, or losses or new seasons, be ever so close as each one makes such important choices for their future. Faithful are You who calls us . . . who also will do it. Amen

Words Behind the Blog - Word Cloud

Found this on another blog and thought it was interesting to note. I'm not sure how far back the search goes for words, but still, it's interesting to see. Check out this spot to see what your blog is really saying!

Preparing to Speak

Looking back as well as forward!

This Wednesday I will be speaking at the Canyonview Vineyard Women's Ministry evening called "Celebration!". There's food and fellowship along with worship and someone speaking. I happen to be the one speaking this month.

I was telling a friend what I thought I'd say and she asked me if that's really what I was asked to do. Now, I stopped up short just to rethink . . ."What was I asked to do?" I recall being asked to share about myself. This was a sort of "get to know me" time. I was told I had about 30-40 minutes. Honestly, I can tell about me in 5 minutes, so what do I do with the rest of the time!?!

I had planned to create a video telling about my family and our desire to move with God at this new place in our lives. At this moment, I'm not sure the media equipment will be able to support my video. I should know by later today. I'm trying to decide if I want to put the time into the video until I know for sure that it can be played. I think I can rework parts of a video I already have, so it might not be such a lengthy process. Hmm . . . decisions, decisions!

After the video, I was going to share a short teaching around the significance of God's time. I guess my friend's question has caused me to ask if they don't really want to hear any more than just me telling about myself. Not much excitement in that!

Getting home, getting back on track . . . it feels a little unsettling at the moment. My body is still on Toronto time. I was sleepy at 9pm (11pm Toronto time) last night. Of course, I was awake at 5am (7am Toronto time). Yikes! I work tonight, so sheer exaustion should get me acclimated faster!

Lose to Gain

I did not renew my ministerial credentials today. It was hard and I am in a contemplative mood. It's just a sad day for me. Somehow, I want to encourage myself in the Lord like David did.

I remind myself again . . .

"Lord . . . may I keep in step with You. I want to be Your church moving into the future."

ED note: I edited out a link that didn't seem to be appropriate at this time. I still do want to be part of a forward thinking group though. I have found some people whose faith is ahead of me so I know I will have good models for my faith walk in the future. I'm seeing life with different eyes at this time. It will be good I know, even though at this time there is still a sense of loss. It's just a different season.

Seismic Shifts Create Waves

As I’m in Toronto for a few more days, I have been reading some great books. I went to a bookstore that had several bins of books on sale. Woohoo! Now that’s a treat for me! I picked up a couple of books to read. The friend at whose house I am staying loaned me a book as well. It’s been great to have the time to sit and read a whole book at one time. I confess that they were a pretty fast read and skimming at that!

This was the week that much culminated regarding decisions made in months past. It’s the sort of thing that you know is coming, but you can’t believe it’s here and basically done. Decisions are easier made in your living room than lived out among people you’ve loved for many years.

As I was searching the bins of sale books, I found one with a copyright of 2005. It’s not an old book! The back of the book said “It’s easy to talk about changing your life. Here’s how you actually do it.” I picked the book up, looked at the back cover and realized that Seismic Shifts was a book I would have to have.

Kevin Harney writes about these shifts that must happen to move into freshness in life. I might be writing on other things I’ve gleaned from this book, but at the moment the tidbit that is rumbling in me is the phrase “tunnel of chaos”. Harney says that Bill Hybels coined the phrase. That tunnel is the place you enter after you’ve come to the end of living in pseudocommunity – a false sense of peace based on avoiding honesty and constantly sidestepping confrontation. While confrontation is never fun, the deeper relationship to be enjoyed on the other side of the “tunnel of chaos” is worth every bit of the challenge encountered in the “tunnel”. This adventure is not a one time thing, but more of the treasure of authentic Christianity is in store at the other end of every step.

I am challenged to find those places of “pseudocommunity” in my life. I think this will be a huge trust thing between the Lord and I. I believe that He will walk with me through those chaos times. I believe that He has been walking with me for the last year. It feels like I’m about through the tunnel.

I am longing for more authenticity in my life. I know that I cannot expect something of others that I will not expect of myself. At least for now, I have some mental pictures to help me know where I’m going and who I’m impacting.

Arrival in Toronto

At the moment, I'm sitting Toronto, Canada. I'm at the home of a friend for some R & R as well as ministry time. I'm not all that sure what there will be the most of between those two, but I am looking forward to these two weeks.

I've just made a video that will announce me resigning from the Creative Arts ministry at church. I've been with these people for 25 years. (Some people have come and gone, but the ones who've stayed are probably the ones I've been around the longest.) It's not very easy to say good bye to folks. I don't like this sort of thing. Just fading into the "sunset" would be fine with me. I know the new pastor is trying to do things in an upright way so that if we meet at an event, we can look each other in the eye and know there's nothing bad between us. That's good I'm sure.

So that video will be played while I'm here in Toronto. I am concerned about my son though. He will be leading worship the Sunday that this video will be played. He seemed ok with it, so I hope that it works out ok for him. Guess we'll see . . .

I will go back and attend one more Sunday for them to "send" me. I'd appreciate prayer if anyone is reading this. I'm not all that sure I know the meaning behind the "sending", but I've seen it done several times. It's always left a bit of a question in my mind. Maybe that was because I was the one who was "sending" rather than "going". I imagine this is an attitude check of some sorts for me, so prayer would also be appreciated for that as well.

I may blog more of my adventures here in Toronto. I caught the plane in Salt Lake City at 6:15am, so I'm a bit bleary eyed. Salt Lake, Chicago and Toronto each had a good amount of snow. When I was in the air today, there was an interesting phenomenon I kept observing. We were above the clouds and the sun was bright. As I looked out my window, I could see the shadow of our plane on the clouds. I could see the whole plane. The unique thing about it was that there was a rainbow effect all around the plane shadow. It seemed brighter inside the rainbow circle. I saw it once and thought it was just a fluke. Then, I kept seeing it over and over. I'm wondering if God was trying to say something to me. (I understand the concept of water in the clouds and the idea of sun shining through those droplets.) I was just blessed to see that rainbow around my plane!

Opened Ended Sentences

It's an interesting move to leave what you know and step out where nothing is certain. It feels like an adventure - almost like an open-ended sentence just waiting to be told.

What is next? Don't know . . . Where are you going? Not clear yet . . .What will you do? The next month will tell that I think.

I do know that God is at work writing the story of my life. I'm trying really hard to hear Him right now. I know that He is near and is speaking ever so gently in His great way. How good it is to know that He is at work on my behalf!

The Change Is Happening

My good friend left this morning. She's on her way to care for her ailing mom and stepdad. As I talked with her last night, she was really wanting to be sure that I knew what I was going to do in these next days. I will miss her terribly, but, thankfully, she's become much more internet friendly. I know we will at least have a chance to connect. I'm also blessed by the wonder of cell phone plans that allow for free long distance calling after 7!

Never in my life have I done what I'm about to do this week. That's an amazing thing for someone of my age. I don't get into too many new adventures, but this one will be for sure. Another friend quizzed me this morning making sure that I have thought through the answers to questions that will arise from this decision to do what I've never done before. Pretty mysterious, isn't it?

I heard someone say the other day that to step into your new place you have to let go of the former place. I've heard that before, but it seems very, very real to me at this point. I'm so used to having things lined up that not knowing my next step is a challenge. Other people have my future in their hands. I suppose ultimately, that's not true. God surely knows who will make what decisions. I know that if I just keep my head on His chest, I will hear His heartbeat for my next steps. I will go from complete involvement to nothing. I will go from weekly preparation to nothing. Whew!

Somehow though, there is this internal excitement that just keeps welling up. I wonder what God has in store?

Seeds are Flying Away

Off to new destinations . . .

Changes will be happening soon with friends who are moving on to different ventures in their lives. It's a happy/sad sort of time for me. I know that changes are good. They make us have to reevaluate where we've been and look ahead for fresh and new things.

One dear friend is leaving to care for sick parents. That's a hard time of life for sure. This friend has a kiddo in school, so she's working on both sides of life issues. Her spouse is completely supportive and engaged in this whole process. One area of life in which I was able to contribute is computer technology. She will have all of her files on CDs to take with her. She will be on the hunt for a computer to be able to do her communication. She will be able to keep in contact with the places in the world that are important to her. She's become much more of a world traveler via the internet, so I know that she will still be able to do that when her in person world might start to close in on her.

As I look at that dandelion seed head, I realize that when the wind blows, people will be blown to different places. They will stick in other places. They will have influence in other situations. It will be interesting to see how these blown people will respond to the places they land. Will they nestle in and get connected? Will they barely hang on and, with the next wind, be blown out of connection? Each seed certainly has the potential of a whole new life. There are so many possibilities around the idea of the seed head of the dandelion. It leaves me thinking in a variety of directions.

Small Group Experience

I had the joy of being in a small group last night.

We worshipped and enjoyed being together. The topic was faith. Many of the women in the group (it was a women's group) had gone through some pretty traumatic events in their lives thus prompting them to tell of their different experiences of faith. I enjoyed hearing their stories of challenge yet seeming to come back to the foundation of knowing that God is their source of hope. Like Peter determined, they would settle to the fact that Jesus "alone has the words of life."

As a smaller group of four of us circled to share concerns, I was touched by the candor and transparency of each woman. They knew we didn't have time for a long long story, but they so wanted to share their hearts. My heart was touched and I want to pray for them all week. We didn't swap phone numbers or emails, so I really can't get in touch with them. I know God will bridge that gap.

The format is really very simple. It's interesting because there's really no fluff to this group. There is no coffee, no food - not even games for ice breakers. There just seems to be a heart to get together. I like it because I love to worship and I love to be in the Word. I am hoping that the teachings ahead will be as meaty as last night. I have the feeling they will be.

Lead Us Lord

This picture is taken en route to the summit of the highest flat topped mountain in North America - the Grand Mesa!

This week is one of those monumental weeks in a person's life. There are so many changes on the horizon that my head spins sometimes. As is typical with a big decision, so many people will be touched. Some will be mad, some will be sad and probably some will be glad. Some will say I'm just following a fad and will be glad to see me stop whining. Okey dokie . . . there ya go!

I, the other hand, understand that decisions made this week could change the lives of not only my family, but the lives of many others as well. There have been pivitol moments in my life where decisions changed my direction completely. Getting married was one of those choices. Moving to a new town was another. For some reason, this feels like that kind of impact will accompany decisions made this week.

I wait, not fearfully, but expectantly. I wait, knowing that things might stay the same, yet hoping for radical changes. Ultimately, though, I have to cling to the biblical mandate I read long ago, "Expect the Lord!"

Coworker Thorn

Ever met someone who delights in being a thorn in your life?

I was sure that I am such a likeable person that there'd never be anyone like this in my life. (Ok, stop rolling your eyes!) Well, sure enough, I have found someone. This coworker is a wonderful opportunity to get a little glimpse of what a "burr under the saddle" feels like - or the proverbial thorn. Being talked about within my earshot is something that my mother taught me shouldn't happen. If you're going to talk about someone, at least don't do it where they can hear you!

This coworker says she is completely oblivious to anything about me - doesn't want to hear and frankly, doesn't care either. It kills her when I build her up in front of customers. Somehow, I delight in finding ways to compliment her and make her have to recognize that I'm saying nice things to her. Who knows if anything I say will impact her for Christ. She is quick to say that "religious people" are just nutty. Could be the background of being raised in a tough Catholic school that has done that to her. Sometimes, all my compassion pours out and I just smile. Sometimes, all my grouchiness pours out and I want to pull her bottom lip up over her forehead. I guess the first choice is more godly, eh? (ok . . . maybe not as fun though . . .)

So, I'm off to another morning of working around this coworker. I just need to keep my head on straight and not let her get to me. I have this running conversation with the Holy Spirit.

"Please . . .can't I say something back that would put her in her place?"

"What would that do for your testimony of Christ?"

"I promise, I'll be very discreet. I'm very good at giving sugar coated digs."

"Digs are still digs . . . how about just keep pouring grace on her?"

"Well bleah . . . digs feel so much better!"

"People are watching you. Remember that you have lots of coworkers. There are people who see what you do and say."

"Ok . . . I'll trust You on that one . . ."

"Good thinking . . ."

Heads Up for Change

It feels like the time is drawing very close. I'm thinking in these next two weeks I will have a better clarity of God's direction for me in this New Year.

I should be finding out about the job I've been waiting for. I should find out the direction of the church I've been going to. I should see the unfolding of direction for the coming year. Now . . . I guess it's just time to wait and see how the "shoulds" work out.

I asked a friend last night if it was good to be thinking about "Plan B". We laughed because she said that she was so busy thinking and praying about her "Plan A" that she didn't have time to consider "Plan B" yet. Proverbs 1:7 says "Fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge. Only fools despise wisdom and discipline." I want to have knowledge of God's plan, I better be "aweing" Him. Hmmm . . . makes me wonder? Does God really have a "Plan B"?